# Stuff and Things > The Pub >  Jokes

## Dos Equis

So Adam and God were talking in the garden.

God:  "What's wrong Adam?"

Adam:  I'm feeling kinda lonely and down"

God:  "How about a companion?  I could make you a companion that would wait on you, and clean up after you, and do anything your hearts desire"

Adam:  "Ok, how much would it cost me?"

God:  "It will probably cost you an arm and a leg"

Adam:  "Na, the price is too steep, what would you give me for just a rib?"

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APACHERAT (12-20-2019),East of the Beast (07-06-2017),MrogersNhood (01-26-2019),Old Ridge Runner (06-30-2017),Victory101 (12-02-2020)

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## HawkTheSlayer

After sex last night, my new girlfriend snuggled up next to me and said, "You know, you are by far the biggest I've ever had".

Apparently "Ditto" is not the right response.

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Big Bird (11-07-2016),Dos Equis (10-19-2016),FirstGenCanadian (01-09-2018),Fly Paper (03-08-2018),Grokmaster (02-10-2018),Kodiak (10-09-2016),MrogersNhood (01-26-2019),Old Ridge Runner (10-18-2016),Rickity Plumber (09-30-2017),Slayer98_l (10-18-2016)

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## HawkTheSlayer

It annoys me that Engineering students call themselves engineers.

You don’t hear medical students calling themselves doctors, or art students calling themselves unemployed.

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Dr. Felix Birdbiter (10-19-2016),FirstGenCanadian (11-06-2016),Grokmaster (02-10-2018),MisterVeritis (11-08-2019),Old Ridge Runner (06-30-2017)

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## HawkTheSlayer

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."

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Captain Kirk! (03-29-2019),FirstGenCanadian (10-20-2016),Grokmaster (02-10-2018),MrogersNhood (01-26-2019),Old Ridge Runner (06-30-2017)

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## Slayer98_l

So the other day we were out in the middle on nowhere on the jobsite.  Needed to burn some brush. No one had any matches or a lighter.  As luck would have it we were all able to breathe a sigh of relief when one of the guys whipped out his Samsung Note-7.

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FirstGenCanadian (11-16-2018),Grokmaster (02-10-2018),Old Ridge Runner (06-30-2017),Rickity Plumber (09-30-2017)

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## Dos Equis

Do you know the difference between in-laws and out-laws?

Out-laws are wanted

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FirstGenCanadian (11-06-2016),Grokmaster (02-10-2018),Old Ridge Runner (06-30-2017)

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## Neo

An Irishman left his usual job working on building sites, he was 6ft 4"  a huge man, he applied to an advert in the paper that needed a bouncer on the door of a well known city pub. The Owner looked him over and said "well you look big enough for the job, it's yours if you want it?"
The weeks went by, nothing unusual, not surprisingly there was never any trouble from the rowdy late drinkers either, but, one night as he went across the street to buy some smokes an escaped gorilla dashes into the pub, it was mayhem, the drinkers were cowered under the tables, the gorilla was smashing the pub apart.
Across the street as he walked nearer the bar he heard the commotion, he races into the pub and starts to fight the gorilla, they fight from one end to the next, the gorilla head butts him through the bathroom door and they fight inside it.......a little while later it all goes quiet, out steps the Irishman, blood all over him....he steps over the broken chairs and tables and calmly says "everything is alright now folks, i don't know who he thought he was, but give a ****** a fur coat and he thinks he owns the place!"

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Canadianeye (10-19-2016),Dos Equis (02-11-2018),FirstGenCanadian (11-06-2016),Grokmaster (02-10-2018),Old Ridge Runner (06-30-2017),Rickity Plumber (09-30-2017)

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## Dr. Felix Birdbiter

I hope this thread continues.  Good jokes have been scarce lately.  

Didn't like the last one much however.

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MisterVeritis (08-12-2019)

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## Dr. Felix Birdbiter

One Sunday at my church the preacher stood up and said "anyone with a special need come forward and I will pray for your special need".  Well Leroy comes up to the altar and the preacher says, "Leroy, what is your special need" and Leroy says "Preacher, I need help with my hearing" And the preacher says, ok Leroy, lets pray for your hearing.  And he starts praying.  And he prayed and prayed and got louder and louder and the congregation joined in and started praying for Leroy' hearing.  After about 30 minutes of praying the preacher said "Well Leroy, did that help with your hearing?"  And Leroy replied "I don't know Preacher, my hearing ain't until Friday"

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Dos Equis (10-21-2016),Grokmaster (02-10-2018),MisterVeritis (11-08-2019),MrogersNhood (01-26-2019),Old Ridge Runner (06-30-2017),Slayer98_l (12-16-2016),usfan (09-30-2017)

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## HawkTheSlayer

> One Sunday at my church the preacher stood up and said "anyone with a special need come forward and I will pray for your special need".  Well Leroy comes up to the altar and the preacher says, "Leroy, what is your special need" and Leroy says "Preacher, I need help with my hearing" And the preacher says, ok Leroy, lets pray for your hearing.  And he starts praying.  And he prayed and prayed and got louder and louder and the congregation joined in and started praying for Leroy' hearing.  After about 30 minutes of praying the preacher said "Well Leroy, did that help with your hearing?"  And Leroy replied "I don't know Preacher, my hearing ain't until Friday"


AJ Smith does a good version of that one. 
Here's  some Cajun humor that gets really funny as it goes on. 
The health club and sucking ducks out of the sky always make me laugh.

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Old Ridge Runner (06-30-2017)

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## Dr. Felix Birdbiter

One day a chicken and a horse are crossing a field when suddenly the horse falls in a mud hole and can't get out.  The chicken says "hold on, I just bought a new Harley, let me go get it and I can pull you out".  So that chicken runs home, gets his Harley and comes back and pulls that horse right out of that mudhole.  Well, a few days later the chicken and horse are walking in another field and this time the chicken falls in the mud hole and can't get out.  Wait a minute says the horse and he straddles the mudhole and the chicken reaches up and grabs his dingus and the horse pulls him right out.

The moral of that story is if you are hung like a horse you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks.

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Daily Bread (10-20-2016),Dos Equis (10-21-2016),MrogersNhood (01-26-2019),Old Ridge Runner (06-30-2017)

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## Dr. Felix Birdbiter

Orville and his best friend Clyde were always out hunting and fishing together.  One day Orville says to Clyde, "hey Clyde, if I snuck over to your house one day while you were out fishing an made love to your wife and she had a child would we be kin?"  To which Clyde replied "No Orville, but we would be even"

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Daily Bread (10-20-2016),MisterVeritis (08-12-2019),MrogersNhood (01-26-2019),Old Ridge Runner (06-30-2017)

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## HawkTheSlayer

A friend of mine was a philosophy major during his first semester in college. One day in a seminar class, they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty. After the class, my friend was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university, so when he went home, he tried to continue the discussion with his family. 

With maximum drama, he took a 12 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table. He proudly asked his family, "Can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty." Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, "Depends if you're drinking or pouring."

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Daily Bread (10-20-2016),Dos Equis (10-21-2016),Dr. Felix Birdbiter (10-21-2016),FirstGenCanadian (11-06-2016),MrogersNhood (01-26-2019),Old Ridge Runner (06-30-2017)

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## Dr. Felix Birdbiter

The Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and this new product will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a
power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning
to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name: MOUNT & DO.

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## HawkTheSlayer

*Quotes from Insurance Forms:

"The car in front hit the pedestrian, but he got up so I hit him again." 

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole." 

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows." 

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought." 

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight." 

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."*

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FirstGenCanadian (11-06-2016)

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## HawkTheSlayer

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the barman what they are for. The barman replies, If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar $100. Do you want to have a go?

The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, Nah, the steaks are too high!

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Dr. Felix Birdbiter (11-08-2016),MrogersNhood (01-26-2019)

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## Ill-informed

A giraffe walk into a bar and says "the high balls are on me."

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## HawkTheSlayer

The college teacher noticed that his exchange student, André, suddenly had started attracting a lot of female attention.

So, one day he asks André about his secret. André replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the college teacher gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his pecker against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:
"Is that you, André?".

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FirstGenCanadian (11-06-2016),MisterVeritis (11-08-2019),MrogersNhood (01-26-2019)

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## FirstGenCanadian

*Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.*


Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. 


A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. 


Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. 


For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. 


Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. 


Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. 


Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. 


Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. 


We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. 


For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy. 


Great Dames for sale. 


Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. 


Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. 


Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. 


Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. 


The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities. 


Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. 


Stock up and save. Limit: one. 


We build bodies that last a lifetime. 


For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. 


Man, honest. Will take anything. 


Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. 


UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

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Big Bird (11-07-2016),MisterVeritis (11-08-2019)

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## Big Bird

There once was a congressman named Weiner,
Who had a perverted demeanor. 
He was forced from the hill, for acting like Bill.
Now Congress is one Weiner leaner.

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Dos Equis (11-07-2016),MisterVeritis (11-08-2019),MrogersNhood (01-26-2019),Old Tex (01-10-2018)

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## Ill-informed

What's the difference between Hillary and a flying pig.     the letter F

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Big Dummy (05-11-2018),Captain Kirk! (10-27-2018),Dos Equis (11-08-2016),Hairball (11-08-2016),MisterVeritis (11-08-2019),MrogersNhood (01-26-2019),Rickity Plumber (09-30-2017)

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## HawkTheSlayer

The last thing my friend Christy was prepared for was an invitation to a costume party. Eight and a half months pregnant, she was in no shape for any conventional costume. 

Still, she wanted to go, so she painted a big yellow circle on an extra-extra-large white T-shirt, dug a pair of red devil horns out of her kids' Halloween junk pile...and went as a deviled egg.

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Hairball (11-08-2016),MrogersNhood (01-26-2019)

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## Hairball

This isn't a joke, but it's true ...

I won a Halloween costume contest ($100 Outback gift certificate) a few years ago. I went as a barrel of toxic waste ... in a real barrel.

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## HawkTheSlayer

> This isn't a joke, but it's true ...
> 
> I won a Halloween costume contest ($100 Outback gift certificate) a few years ago. I went as a barrel of toxic waste ... in a real barrel.


One time in college, I went as a Christmas tree complete with lights and all. My head was the star. It was a hit but my cord was short and I had to spend all night standing near a receptacle. People had to fix me drinks and bring them to me. 

Then I got to thinking, what if one of these drunk fools trips and spills his drink on me? I'll be electricuted and they might think it was part of the act. 
So I took it off and let someone else wear it.

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Hairball (11-08-2016)

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## Hairball

> One time in college, I went as a Christmas tree complete with lights and all. My head was the star. It was a hit but my cord was short and I had to spend all night standing near a receptacle. People had to fix me drinks and bring them to me. 
> 
> Then I got to thinking, what if one of these drunk fools trips and spills his drink on me? I'll be electricuted and they might think it was part of the act. 
> So I took it off and let someone else wear it.


LOL! Imagine that on a resume!

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## Dr. Felix Birdbiter

There once was a man from Boston
Who drove a little red Austin
He had room for his ass
And a gallon of gas
but his balls hung out and he lost em

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Hairball (11-08-2016)

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## Dr. Felix Birdbiter

I belong to a country club which has a very wealthy 72 year old member.  One day he came into the restaurant with a very stunning 20 something blonde on his arm.  Of course all the men were instantly jealous.  Pete, one member finally asked, how did you get that beautiful woman as your mistress?  Pete replied, oh, she isn't my mistress, we were married last week.  My God man, how did you get her to marry you the member asked.  Well, Pete said I had to change my age by 20 years.  Oh, the member said, you told her you were 52?  No, said Pete, I told her I was 92.

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MisterVeritis (11-08-2019)

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## HawkTheSlayer

One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared. "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. The man was ecstatic. "But there's a catch," the Genie continued. 

"What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously. The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for." 

"Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man. 

"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie. 

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!" POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. 

"Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," said the Genie. "What is your next wish?" 

"I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. 

"Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man. 

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man. 

"And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie. 

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...."

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FirstGenCanadian (09-30-2017)

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## NuYawka

> A giraffe walk into a bar and says "the high balls are on me."


A horse walked into a bar and the bartender asks it, "Why the long face?"

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## PaganAnarchy

I skate and there is a creepy skate park were me and my friends rarely skate because it is so wet & gross it thrashed our skateboards so we have this joke we share that goes like this meet me at the meremaid hole so we can sink  &  polar bears can eat us and our boards cause we have nothing to do with our free time.

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## PaganAnarchy

I think I see a meremaid and polar bear behind you.

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## Dos Equis

So this student was in science class as she was learning about whales as they began to talk about the eating habits of whales.  The student raised her hand and said, "Jonah in the Bible had been swallowed by a whale".  Annoyed, the teacher smirked at the child and said, "Well I can assure you, that never happened.  A whales mouth and throat are far too small to accommodate the size of a man".

The child then sank back into her chair and thought for a while.  Then she raised her hand once again.  The teacher called upon her sensing she was ready to move in for the kill.  The girl said, "Well the Bible says that Jonah was swallowed by a whale, and the Bible is true, so it must be true.  When I get to heaven I will ask him about it".  With an evil smirk the teacher retorted, "And what makes you so sure you will talk to Jonah when you get to heaven?  Maybe Jonah went to hell", to which the child replied, "Ok........in that case, you can ask him about it".

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MrogersNhood (01-26-2019)

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## HawkTheSlayer

There was a man in France who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old france law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it I'm just a bad conductor."

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Dos Equis (07-04-2017),MrogersNhood (01-26-2019)

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## Dos Equis



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Rickity Plumber (07-13-2017)

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## Old Tex

I don't get out much so I don't hear a lot of jokes. The 2 funniest jokes that I have heard in the last few years are:

Nancy Pelosi & Maxine Waters. They really hit my funny bone. Every time I hear them I laugh & laugh. (wink)

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## HawkTheSlayer

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

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## Rickity Plumber

> I don't get out much so I don't hear a lot of jokes. The 2 funniest jokes that I have heard in the last few years are:
> 
> Nancy Pelosi & Maxine Waters. They really hit my funny bone. Every time I hear them I laugh & laugh. (wink)



Those two names, especially in the same sentence IS a joke!

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## Dos Equis

A Scottish woman went to the local newspaper office to publish the obituary for her recently deceased husband. 
The obits editor informed her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. 
She paused, reflected and then said, "Aye, well then, let it read, 'Angus MacPherson died'." 
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor told her that there is a six word minimum for all obituaries. 
She thought it over for a while and that said, "Aye, in that case, let it read...'Angus MacPherson died. Bagpipes for sale'."

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## HawkTheSlayer

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

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## HawkTheSlayer

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."

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Dos Equis (09-04-2017)

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## HawkTheSlayer

Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

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Dos Equis (10-17-2017)

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## HawkTheSlayer

Two deer walk out of a gay bar.

One turns and says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there."

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## Neo

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of  the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”
One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”
The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

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## Rickity Plumber

> I hope this thread continues.  Good jokes have been scarce lately.  
> Didn't like the last one much however.



to each their own flavor of jelly

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## Neo

Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are all working on a construction site, building a new skyscraper in London. It's lunchtime and they're all sat atop the building. Englishman opens up his lunchbox to see what his wife has packed him.
"Ugh... Ham and cheese sandwich... again. Im fucking sick of ham and cheese sandwiches, it's the same every bloody day. If I get another ham and cheese sandwich in my lunch box tomorrow I'm jumping off the top of this building."
Next, the Scotsman opens up his lunch box.
"Aackk, jam sandwich... again. I cannee go on like this eating jam sandwiches every day of me life! If I get the same again tomorrow I'm jumping as well."
Next it's the Irishman's turn.
"Ohh for fecks sake! Not another egg and cress sandwich! That's the fourth one in a row this week! I'm with you boys, one more egg and cress sandwich and I'm jumping!"
So next day they sit at the top of the building to have lunch. One by one they open up their lunch boxes... Englishman finds another ham and cheese sandwich, so off he jumps, and splats into the ground below. Scotsman finds another jam sandwich... Off he goes...Splat. Irishman, egg and cress sandwich... Splat.
A week or so later later the three widows are talking at the memorial service. English widow says, through tears, "I still can't believe it, had no idea George hated ham and cheese so much, if only i'd known..."
Scottish widow says "Duncan did say he was getting a bit bored of Jam, but I didn't realise he hated it that much, I just wish he'd have let me know how he really felt."
Irish widow says "I... I just don't understand... Paddy packed his own lunch."

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## Ill-informed

A frugal Irish widow went to the local paper to post her husbands obituary. She told the clerk "I want it to say Micheal Keane died". The clerk explained that they had a six word minimum so that she could use three more words for no addition charge. The widow says "OK then... bagpipes for sale"

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## Dos Equis

So there was this conservative in medical school who was plagued by a left winged professor.  Every day the professor would make a sly comment about the GOP and incorporated left winged talking points in his lectures even though it was only a coarse in psychology.  To get even with their professor, the young conservative decided to write a paper about how liberals were prone to psychological problems.  His hypothesis rested upon the fact that about 25% of liberals were found to be medicated for psychological problems.  Before the student was able to read his paper in class the Professor intended to debunk this assertion before it had a chance to be presented to the class, for the professor well knew that about 25% of the general population were also medicated for psychological issues, such as depression.

So the professor got up, cleared his throat and held up the research paper and asked the class, "This research paper shows that about 25% of liberals are medicated for psychological problems, does anyone know what this means?"  To which the student who wrote the paper retorted, "Yes, it means that about 75% of liberals go unmedicated".

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## HawkTheSlayer

Two priests were playing golf...
Father Bob hit his ball into the woods on his first swing, "Damn it! That totally missed!" he cursed.
"You shouldn't curse Father Bob!" said Father Michael "Or god might punish you!"
Father Bob apologized and they went on playing.
On his next swing, Father Bob hit his ball into the sand pit. "Damn it! That totally missed!" he cursed again.
Again, Father Michael warned, "Do not utter such words Father Bob, lest god punishes you for it!"
Father Bob apologized again and they continued playing.
On his third swing, Father Bob hit his ball into the pond. "Damn it! That totally missed!" cursed Father Bob once again.
Before Father Michael could say anything, a ominous dark cloud suddenly gathered out of the blue sky and a vicious lightning came down and stroke Father Michael, killing him instantly.
Father Bob was completely stunned, before he could understand what was happening in front of him, he heard a thunderous deep voice coming from the sky - "Damn it! That totally missed!"

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gregonejeep (10-10-2017),Old Tex (10-10-2017)

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## gregonejeep

............

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## Fly Paper

What's the difference between anal sex and a microwave oven?

A microwave oven doesn't brown your meat.

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## Fly Paper

** BREAKING NEWS **

A man has appeared at a Florida court charged with manslaughter after accidentally killing another man with some sandpaper.
His defence has said he only meant to rough him up a bit....

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## Fly Paper

Halfway through my shift at the Kodak shop this morning a fella walked in to pick up some photos hes had developed with us of his naked wife.
Naturally, I had a sneaky little peek at them.
So, as I handed them over with a cheeky wink, I asked Would you like the negatives, Sir?.
Erm, yes please he answered sheepishly.
I said Ok then, shes got saggy tits and a fat arse, oh, and she should seriously think about giving that minge of hers a good ode trim!!

----------



----------


## Fly Paper

I went on a positive thinking course, but it was shit.

----------


## Fly Paper

Police are looking for a mugger who threatens his victims with a lit match..

They need to catch him before he strikes again.

----------



----------


## Fly Paper

Two questions -

1) How do you handcuff a guy with one arm?

and

2) Does the Terminator in the Terminator films have a willy?

----------


## Fly Paper

I've just had a shit so big that it touched the water before breaking off.
I know I shouldn't be telling you but I think that's pretty impressive from the middle diving board.

----------


## Fly Paper

I successfully robbed a bank.

Now I don't know what to do with all this sperm.

----------


## Fly Paper

The boomerang was originally invented as a frisbee for ginger kids.

----------


## Fly Paper

Breaking News: 

Police are hunting for a man they've dubbed The Knitting Needle Nutter.
He's stabbed 6 people in the arse and they believe the attacker is following some kind of pattern....

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week."

"This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

I did, they're in your tackle box.

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small - what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not need curtains!"

The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!"

----------

Coolwalker (12-29-2017),Dos Equis (12-29-2017),Rutabaga (01-07-2018)

----------


## ChemEngineer

FIRST JOKE  OF THE NEW YEAR ! ! ! !

The devil walk boldly into a church one Sunday morning.
Everyone fled out the nearest door in terror except for one old guy up front.  
He just sat there with his arms folded.
The devil strides over and demands, "Do YOU know who I am!"
Old guy:  "I know who ya are."
Devil: "Aren't you afraid of me!"
Old guy:  "Naw, I ain't afraid of you."
Devil: "WHY NOT ! ! !"
Old guy:  "Cause I been married to your sister for thirty-eight years."

[Note:  Women LOVE this joke way more than men do, as if to say, "Don't you forget it, mister."]

----------

Dos Equis (01-07-2018),FirstGenCanadian (01-09-2018),Rutabaga (01-07-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!"

----------

Dos Equis (01-14-2018),Ed D (09-17-2018),Rutabaga (01-07-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months. He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency.

Among other questions he was asked, "What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?"

He thought for a moment and then said, "I would take up a collection."

----------

ChemEngineer (01-09-2018)

----------


## ChemEngineer

> /


I am awarding you a Thanks because you are a thankful person, and deserve it.
Your ratio is unusual and commendable, Brother.

----------


## East of the Beast

> I am awarding you a Thanks because you are a thankful person, and deserve it.
> Your ratio is unusual and commendable, Brother.


You’ve got a real fixation with the thanks button.....get help soon.

----------

Kodiak (01-09-2018)

----------


## Kodiak

> You’ve got a real fixation with the thanks button.....get help soon.


 :Laughing7:

----------

East of the Beast (01-09-2018)

----------


## Daily Bread

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning  though none of them can remember what they did the night before.The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent. They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent. They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, Well, Im from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and Ill tell ya right now, yall aint gonna electrocute nobody if you dont plug this thing in.

----------



----------


## Old Tex

Just to point out: That joke isn't as funny when you were married to the devils sister like I was. (wink).

----------

ChemEngineer (01-10-2018)

----------


## ChemEngineer

> Youve got a real fixation with the thanks button.....get help soon.


Look at you!  More thanks than thanked.  Well done.  Gratitude is commendable. You obviously realize that but for some strange reason, feel compelled to smear and attack me hatefully when I acknowledge it.  If that makes you feel better, which of us really needs the help?

----------


## ChemEngineer

Now I came to this thread to tell a joke, and a I shan't let the hateful one dissuade me from it.

It  is possibly the Joke of the Year.

(A friend, if he has any left, to Mr. Weinstein)

*"Hey Harvey, get any lately?   - Just kidding !"*

----------


## Big Dummy



----------

FirstGenCanadian (11-16-2018),Northern Rivers (02-10-2018),OverDrive (01-15-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

On January 1st, I joked to my girlfriend we havent had sex all year.

Its getting less and less funny each day I tell her.

----------

FirstGenCanadian (02-13-2018)

----------


## Old Tex

I think the video would have been funnier had one of them torn her shirt open & another one grabbed her butt. I guess they didn't go in for realism though.

----------

Big Dummy (01-15-2018)

----------


## ChemEngineer

IMG_E0211[1].JPG

----------



----------


## ChemEngineer



----------


## HawkTheSlayer

In our home we tend to get the children to help out. One day our youngest son came in to the living room and asked, "Does anyone want a cup of coffee?"

"Yes please!" we said.

He replied, "What kind of coffee do you want? Capitated or decapitated?"

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

A little boy was waiting on his mother to come out of a store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new preacher in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know the way to the post office!

----------

Rickity Plumber (03-25-2018)

----------


## Neo

In the great days of The British Empire.In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) that protocol decreed, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he’s my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless." Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself." "Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympic boxing. I have researched the history of....."Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off..........

----------



----------


## Neo

In the great days of The British Empire.In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) that protocol decreed, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, hes my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless." Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself." "Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympic boxing. I have researched the history of....."Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off..........

----------


## Neo

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your cock was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work just as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how long you want it to be ... but it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she mightbe disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."The man agrees to talk with his wife.The doctor comes back the next day. "So," asks the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?""I have," says the man."And what is the decision?" asks the doctor."We're having granite worktops."

----------

Dos Equis (02-11-2018),East of the Beast (02-10-2018),Fly Paper (02-17-2018),Kris P Bacon (02-13-2018),Northern Rivers (02-10-2018),Rickity Plumber (03-25-2018)

----------


## Northern Rivers

> 


The guy's an Arab, Basil Fawlty.......

----------

Big Dummy (02-10-2018)

----------


## Northern Rivers

> FIRST JOKE  OF THE NEW YEAR ! ! ! !
> 
> The devil walk boldly into a church one Sunday morning.
> Everyone fled out the nearest door in terror except for one old guy up front.  
> He just sat there with his arms folded.
> The devil strides over and demands, "Do YOU know who I am!"
> Old guy:  "I know who ya are."
> Devil: "Aren't you afraid of me!"
> Old guy:  "Naw, I ain't afraid of you."
> ...


In my case...twenty-eight. Whew!

----------

Big Dummy (02-10-2018)

----------


## Big Dummy

97917D5F-5E69-4299-941A-B89AA5BA6431.jpeg

----------

Hillofbeans (02-28-2018)

----------


## Northern Rivers

Outback Aussies are quite laconic...slow to speak...reticent. So...when this guy came into the local pub...and bellied up to the bar...nobody said anything to him...even though...he had half a steering wheel from his ute sticking out of the top of his Levis.

Eventually...everybody quietly staring at him caused him to say something: "What? This??? It's drivin' me nuts!"

----------

Big Dummy (02-10-2018),Rickity Plumber (03-25-2018)

----------


## Dr. Felix Birdbiter



----------


## Dr. Felix Birdbiter

I am promoting a new musical genre.  Its a mixture of country and rap.  I am calling it Crap.

----------

Kris P Bacon (02-13-2018),NuYawka (02-13-2018),Rickity Plumber (03-25-2018)

----------


## Kris P Bacon

3 nuns get to the pearly gates, St Peter tells them, "before you enter, you mush wash any part of your body that has touched a man in that fountain".

First nun washes her hands, the 3rd nun skips ahead of the second nun and tells St. Peter, "my apologies for cutting the line but I just want to wash my mouth out before she puts her ass in the fountain".

----------

Rickity Plumber (03-25-2018)

----------


## Swedgin

This isn't really a laughing matter, but, it is timely, considering all the #metoo hysteria we got going on these days.

I have a friend who lost his job, because he was caught sleeping with a patient.

Oh, it's fine for politicians, and others in positions of power, who spend our tax dollars for their dalliances!

But, my buddy put years into college, and medical school.  

He just made one mistake.  He is still one of the most loving husbands and fathers, that I know.

And, he was one hell of Veterinarian......

----------

Dr. Felix Birdbiter (02-13-2018),Kris P Bacon (02-17-2018),Rickity Plumber (03-25-2018)

----------


## Dr. Felix Birdbiter

> This isn't really a laughing matter, but, it is timely, considering all the #metoo hysteria we got going on these days.
> 
> I have a friend who lost his job, because he was caught sleeping with a patient.
> 
> Oh, it's fine for politicians, and others in positions of power, who spend our tax dollars for their dalliances!
> 
> But, my buddy put years into college, and medical school.  
> 
> He just made one mistake.  He is still one of the most loving husbands and fathers, that I know.
> ...



He needed to stay away from drinking that Woolite.

----------


## Dr. Felix Birdbiter

One Testicle


There once was an Indian who had only one testicle


And whose given name was 'Onestone'.


He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.


After years and years of torment,


Onestone finally cracked and said,'


If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'


The word got around and nobody called him that any more.


Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,


'Good morning, Onestone.'


He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.


He made love to her all the next day,


Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.


The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.


Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until


A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.


Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin,


Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.


She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'


Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,


Then he made love to her all day,


Made love to her all night,


Made love to her all the next day,


Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


















Why ???

----------


## FirstGenCanadian

> One Testicle
> 
> 
> 
> 
> There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Cause, you can't kill two birds with one stone.

----------

Kris P Bacon (02-17-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."

----------

Kris P Bacon (02-17-2018),Rickity Plumber (03-25-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.

He told her one had a horn and one didn't. She replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."

----------

Rickity Plumber (03-25-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

A pharmacist walked into his pharmacy and saw a man standing tightly against a wall making a funny face, so he asked the technician working that day, "What is going on?"

She said, "Well, he came in with a bad cough and asked for a cough suppressant, but we are out of it so I sold him a laxative."

The pharmacist said loudly, "Laxatives won't suppress a cough!"

She said, "I know that, but look at him -- he doesn't dare cough."

----------

FirstGenCanadian (03-23-2018),Fly Paper (03-08-2018),Kris P Bacon (03-08-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

I saw a billboard yesterday that said:

Need help? Call Jesus.
1-800-555-HELP

Out of curiosity I did.

A Mexican showed up with a tow truck.



 @Calypso Jones  @Garden House Queen

----------

Kris P Bacon (03-08-2018),NuYawka (03-11-2018)

----------


## Fly Paper

> After sex last night, my new girlfriend snuggled up next to me and said, "You know, you are by far the biggest I've ever had".
> 
> Apparently "Ditto" is not the right response.


Lmao, now that is funny.

----------


## Fly Paper

My grandad was poorly so we greased his back with lard. After we did that, he went down hill very quickly.

----------


## Dos Equis

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
 He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

 St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to
 pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

 Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam.. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'

 St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

 First:
 What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

 Second:
 How many seconds are there in a year?

 Third:
 What is God's first name?'

 Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'

 Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

 The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

 'How many seconds in a year?
 Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

 Astounded, St.. Peter said, 'Twelve?
 Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

 Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve:January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

 'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.
 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.
 Can you tell me God's first name'?

 'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

 'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

 'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

 'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learn't it from the song,
 ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
 ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
 ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

 St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'

 Lord, Give me a sense of humor
 Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,
 To get some humor out of life,
 AMEN!!!"

----------

Big Dummy (05-11-2018),Hillofbeans (03-08-2018),Kris P Bacon (03-08-2018),Rickity Plumber (03-25-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidence of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center.

The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot.

"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?"

"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."

----------

Dr. Felix Birdbiter (03-12-2018),NuYawka (03-11-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

Father: Son, you were adopted.

Son: What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"

Father: We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.

----------

Dos Equis (03-25-2018),FirstGenCanadian (04-03-2018),Old Tex (04-03-2018)

----------


## NuYawka

> One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidence of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center.
> 
> The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot.
> 
> "This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?"
> 
> "Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."


Laugh out LOUD

----------



----------


## Dos Equis

My local high school refused to name the school after Obama.  They said that the last thing they need is for students to hang around for 8 years and accomplish nothing.

----------

Fly Paper (03-13-2018),Old Tex (04-03-2018),Rickity Plumber (03-25-2018)

----------


## Dr. Felix Birdbiter

This is a true story.  My youngest daughter was a product of my wife's previous marriage and came into my life at the age of six.  She had been raised Baptist.  I didn't want to send her to public school so, being Catholic, I put her in a Catholic School.  After a few days in the school I asked her what were they teaching her.  She named off the usual subjects and then said Religion.  I was curious what this little Baptist girl thought of Catholic Theology and asked her what they were teaching.  Oh, she said, they were teaching the Sacraments.  I asked her if she could name the Sacraments.  Sure she said, They are Confession, Baptism, Holy Matrimony and the Holy Uterus.

I had to tell that one to the Monsignor at the school!!!

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

A four-year-old little boy was at the doctor's office with his mother in the waiting room when he spotted a pregnant lady on the other side of the room. Having nothing better to do, he walked over to her and inquisitively asked, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "I'm having a baby."

With big eyes, he replied, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She said, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look on his face, asked yet another question: "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby." At this point the woman was thinking the little boy was incredibly cute and looked forward to what he had to say next.

And, much to her surprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, he asked, "Then why did you eat him?"

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

Two wives go out for girls' night.

Both got drunk, started walking home and had to go to the bathroom. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning, one husband calls the other and says

"No more girls' night out. My wife came back with no panties."

"You think you have it bad?" says the other, "Mine came back with a card stuck in her crack that read 'from all of us at the fire station... we will never forget you."

----------

Big Dummy (05-11-2018),NuYawka (03-25-2018),Old Tex (04-03-2018)

----------


## Rickity Plumber

> Father: Son, you were adopted.
> 
> Son: What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"
> 
> Father: We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.






<sorry  @NuYawka >

----------

NuYawka (03-27-2018)

----------


## Rickity Plumber

> This is a true story.  My youngest daughter was a product of my wife's previous marriage and came into my life at the age of six.  She had been raised Baptist.  I didn't want to send her to public school so, being Catholic, I put her in a Catholic School.  After a few days in the school I asked her what were they teaching her.  She named off the usual subjects and then said Religion.  I was curious what this little Baptist girl thought of Catholic Theology and asked her what they were teaching.  Oh, she said, they were teaching the Sacraments.  I asked her if she could name the Sacraments.  Sure she said, They are Confession, Baptism, Holy Matrimony and the Holy Uterus.
> 
> I had to tell that one to the Monsignor at the school!!!


tell dat one to da Pope!

----------


## Rickity Plumber

> I saw a billboard yesterday that said:
> 
> Need help? Call Jesus.
> 1-800-555-HELP
> 
> Out of curiosity I did.
> 
> A Mexican showed up with a tow truck.
> 
> ...


I guess ya had to be in Bayou Sorrel to get that one!

----------


## Rickity Plumber

> The guy's an Arab, Basil Fawlty.......


that was f-u-n-n-y!!!

----------


## Rickity Plumber

> 


cat got your tongue?

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less.

The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."

----------

Northern Rivers (04-03-2018),NuYawka (03-27-2018),Old Tex (04-03-2018)

----------


## NuYawka

> <sorry  @NuYawka >


lol

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1. It is perfect formula for the child.

2. It provides immunity against several diseases.

3. It is always the right temperature.

4. It is inexpensive.

5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6. It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...

7. It comes in 2 cute containers.

He got an A.

----------


## Northern Rivers

If Jesus had a telephone...Leonardo would have painted, "The Last Pizza".

----------


## Old Tex

> Father: Son, you were adopted.
> Son: What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"
> Father: We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.


When my oldest was bad I had two sayings:

1. You used to have an older brother that did that & you don't see him around anymore.

2. You were adopted....................but they brought you back.

----------

Rickity Plumber (04-10-2018)

----------


## FirstGenCanadian

> When my oldest was bad I had two sayings:
> 
> 1. You used to have an older brother that did that & you don't see him around anymore.
> 
> 2. You were adopted....................but they brought you back.


One day, when our son got mouthy with his mother, I told him,

“Don’t talk back to your mother, she ate your brothers and sisters!”

Our son stood there, wide eyed, trying to process what I just said, when his mother broke the silence,

“I am not explaining that to him!”

----------



----------


## Dr. Felix Birdbiter

$10,000 Phone Call

A man decided to write a book about famous churches around the country.

So, he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he
would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day, he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed
a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per
call." The man, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what
the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000
you could talk to God. The man thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same
golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the
same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its
purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
$10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the man.

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and
New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same
"$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The man, upon leaving New York decided to travel to see if western states
had the same phone. He arrived in Texas, and, again, in the first church he
entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under
it read "40 cents per call."

The man was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've
traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many
churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the east and
south the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Texas now, son, it's a local
call."

----------

Old Tex (04-10-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovahs Witness so he wouldnt arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

----------

Dr. Felix Birdbiter (04-10-2018),FirstGenCanadian (04-11-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

Two blind pilots enter a plane. They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke.

In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die"

----------

FirstGenCanadian (04-11-2018),NuYawka (04-19-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

A local priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed debating the "bail-out packages," so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had also stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his best friend's wife, and taken illicit drugs. I was appalled.

"But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and said: "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, never, NEVER-EVER be late.

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity." 

"Oh, my," said the father. What have I done?" He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do. Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."

So they went to see the rabbi. The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. 

Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel....

----------

Daily Bread (04-25-2018),Dos Equis (04-29-2018),JMWinPR (04-27-2018),Rita Marley (05-26-2018)

----------


## NuYawka

> Two blind pilots enter a plane. They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.
> 
> The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke.
> 
> In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die"


lol lol

----------



----------


## HawkTheSlayer

An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of battle on the German front lines.

The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train that was bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding an empty seat.

The only empty seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English lady and was being used by her little dog.

The weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the solider and sniffed then said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see that my little pooch is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, looking if there were any other unoccupied seats to use, but after another trip down to the end of the train, he found himself facing the woman with the dog again.

Again, the soldier asked, "Please lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted out loud, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also extremely arrogant!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The Woman, at a loss for words; shrieked, railed and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentlemen sitting across the aisle spoke up and said, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!."

 @Tom-Cruise @Pork Chop

----------

Captain Kirk! (10-27-2018),Daily Bread (04-25-2018),Dos Equis (04-23-2018),FirstGenCanadian (04-23-2018),Fly Paper (04-22-2018),JMWinPR (04-27-2018),Pork Chop (04-22-2018),Rickity Plumber (04-27-2018),Rita Marley (05-26-2018)

----------


## Pork Chop

A black man walks into a bar with a huge coloured parrot on his shoulder. ‘_Wow_’, said the bartender, ‘_will you look at that. Where did you get that from’_? The parrot replies, ‘_Africa mate, there’s millions of em!’_

----------

Rita Marley (05-26-2018)

----------


## Dos Equis

The Retired Doctor                        

An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer of Nags Head, NC, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.  He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic.  Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000." 
Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.   So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. 
Dr. Young:  "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth.  Can you please  help me?" 
Dr. Geezer:  "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth." 
Dr. Young:  'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!" 
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!  You've got your taste back.  That will be $500." 
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. 
Dr. Young:  "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." 
Dr. Geezer:  "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." 
Dr. Young:  "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!" 
Dr. Geezer:  "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will  be $500." 
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. 
Dr. Young:  "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!" 
Dr. Geezer:  "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill). 
Dr. Young:  "But this is only $10!" 
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!  You got your vision back!  That will be $500."

----------

Abbey (04-27-2018),Coolwalker (04-23-2018),Daily Bread (04-25-2018),JMWinPR (04-27-2018)

----------


## Dos Equis

An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of battle on the German front lines.

 The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train that was bound for London.

 The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding an empty seat.

 The only empty seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English lady and was being used by her little dog.

 The weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The empty seat respond, "You can't sit on me, I'll be President in another 50 years or so"

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

There was once a hitman who was known for his skill and stealth. Nobody really knew his identity, except for the fact that he always used to count to three before shooting his victim.

One time, a mob leader wanted a hit on a rival leader, so he hired him. He said "I want the kill to be clean, leave no trace. And since I'm a big fan of your legend, I'd like to be there when you assassinate the target". The assassin agrees.

With carefully planned tactics, the assassin infiltrates the rival gang on the pretence of capturing the mob leader. Finally, in the room with the mob leader and the rival leader, the assassin aims his pistol at the target and counts.

*uno*
*dos*
*BANG*

The rival drops dead.

"But I thought you count to three", said the mob leader. "Sí" replied the assassin. "But you said leave no tres".

----------

Daily Bread (04-25-2018)

----------


## Daily Bread

A guy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The guy replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The guy says, "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition. "I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"

The bartender says, "Why don't you try shaving the mane?"

A few months later the guy is back. "I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!"

The bartender yells, "Just measure the damn horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The guy storms out of the bar.

The next day, the guy runs into the bar. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

----------



----------


## HawkTheSlayer

The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Helen: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

----------

JMWinPR (04-27-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer, "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"

The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again.

After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out, "About 20 minutes."

"Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"

"Didn't know how fast you could walk."

----------

Northern Rivers (05-26-2018),NuYawka (04-28-2018),Rita Marley (05-26-2018)

----------


## Dos Equis

Anyone see the new San Fran flag?

----------

Captain Kirk! (10-27-2018),Northern Rivers (06-13-2018),Rickity Plumber (05-13-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The old rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes, saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life, chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.

The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs, "Your badge! Show him your badge!"

----------

Dos Equis (05-02-2018),nonsqtr (04-30-2018),Northern Rivers (05-26-2018),Rita Marley (05-26-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

A woman marries a man and has 10 children.
The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children.
The next man dies so the woman remarries again and has ten more children.
That man dies so the woman remarries and has 10 more children.
The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.
At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Good god! Theyre finally together!"
A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?
The man on his left says, I think he means her legs...

----------

Big Dummy (05-11-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy," the young boy replied excitedly. "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'''

----------

Northern Rivers (05-26-2018)

----------


## Dos Equis

*How to prevent a Leftist from killing themselves after Trump wins again in 2020....assuming you want to, that is.
*



 So this guy is walking along wearing a "Make America Great Again" T shirt, minding his own business, when he comes across a beautiful woman standing at the rail of a bridge looking down into a deep chasm. 

 As he gets near he calls out to her asking if she's alright. The young lady reacts violently and shouts, "Don't come any closer! I'm going to jump off this bridge and kill myself! Don't try to stop me!  Soon I will be rid of my male oppressors like you and that filthy dog Trump!  I suppose you want to grab my pu$$y like Trump!"

 The libertarian, being a big fan of personal freedom, gives this some thought and says, "Alright, I won't try to stop you.  In fact, I did not even come to sexually assault you.  However now that you mention it,  I do have a favor to ask.   I'm down on my luck and I haven't felt the touch of a woman in a long time. Would you have sex with me before you go?" 

 The woman is horrified and yells at our hero. "Your disgusting! What a horrible thing to ask. Get away from me you filthy pig!" 

 Our hero gives this a moments consideration and says, "No problem, I'll just go wait at the bottom?"

----------

Northern Rivers (05-26-2018)

----------


## Tennyson

Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So they do not get mistaken for feminists.

----------

Northern Rivers (05-26-2018)

----------


## Rita Marley

A man and wife were having sex, but sum ting wong.

"Ouch you bastard! That's my ass! Stop, it hurts!"

"No it doesn't, it feels good!" replied the husband.

----------

Northern Rivers (05-26-2018)

----------


## Northern Rivers

Again...my favourite:

Q: Where do you take a kangaroo that has a broken leg?

A: The hopital.

----------


## ChemEngineer

A farmer was sitting on his front porch when a boy walked down the dirt road in front of him carrying a roll of chicken wire.
Farmer: "Boy, where ya goin' with that chicken wire?"
Boy:  Gonna get me some chickens.
Farmer: You can't get chickens with chicken wire.
An hour later, the boy returns back down  the other direction with two live squawking chickens.

Next day, the boy is walking down the road carrying a roll of duck tape.
Farmer:  Boy, where you goin' with that duck tape?
Boy:  Gonna get me some  ducks.
Farmer:  You can't get ducks with duck tape.

An hour later, the boy returns back down the road carrying two live quacking ducks.

Next day the boy is walking down the road and the farmer says, "Boy, where you goin'  with them sticks?"
Boy:  "These ain't sticks, they're pussy willows."
Farmer:  "Wait for me, I'll get my hat."

----------

Ed D (09-17-2018)

----------


## ChemEngineer

Devil walks  into  a church on Sunday morning.  Everyone flees out the door in mortal terror except for one  old man up front.
He just sits there.
Devil strides over and demands, "Do YOU know who I AM!"
Old man:  "I know who ya are."
Devil: "And you ain't afraid of me?"
Old man:  "Naw, I ain't afraid of you."
Devil:  "Why NOT!"

Old man: "Cause I been married to your sister for thirty-eight years."

_________________________________________

After a round of tennis at the country club, two fine Republicans were talking after their showers.
Ed: "Say, Tom, we're about the same age.  I'm only getting laid about once a week now.  I just wondered if that's normal."
Nearby, a liberal girly-man  overhears the remark and giggles. Both Ed and Tom look at him.

Then Tom replies, "Well, Ed, that's about the same with me.  I'd say we're both normal."
The girly-man giggles even louder.
Both look at him again, and Ed speaks up somewhat angrily: "You keep laughing at our sex life, what's so funny?
How often do YOU get laid?
Liberal girly-man, giggling:  "Once a year."  
Ed:  "Then why are you laughing at us, huh!"
Liberal girly-man, giggling again:  *"Tonight's the night!"*

----------

Rutabaga (06-05-2018)

----------


## Thing 1

> Devil walks  into  a church on Sunday morning.  Everyone flees out the door in mortal terror except for one  old man up front.
> He just sits there.
> Devil strides over and demands, "Do YOU know who I AM!"
> Old man:  "I know who ya are."
> Devil: "And you ain't afraid of me?"
> Old man:  "Naw, I ain't afraid of you."
> Devil:  "Why NOT!"
> 
> Old man: "Cause I been married to your sister for thirty-eight years."
> ...


The version of that joke I first saw had the old man be Bill Clinton.

----------


## ChemEngineer

> The version of that joke I first saw had the old man be Bill Clinton.


Bad as that would be, imagine being Maxine Waters' husband.... O.M.G.

----------

Dave37 (06-11-2018),Thing 1 (05-26-2018)

----------


## Rita Marley

Minervini says to his wife, "You should go bra-less."

She says, "You really think so? Do you think my breasts are perky enough?"

He says, "No, but maybe it'd pull some those fucking wrinkles out of your face."

----------

Captain Kirk! (10-27-2018),Dave37 (06-11-2018),Ed D (09-17-2018),Northern Rivers (06-13-2018),Old Tex (07-01-2018),Rutabaga (06-05-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

A social worker who had recently transferred from the big city to the mountains was touring her new territory. She came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen. Intrigued, she knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?"

A child's voice answered, "Yep."

"Is your father there?"

"Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in."

"Well, is your mother there?"

"Nope, Ma left just before I got here."

"Are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here. This is the outhouse!

----------

Dave37 (06-11-2018),FirstGenCanadian (09-23-2018),Madison (06-18-2018),potlatch (06-05-2018),Rutabaga (06-05-2018)

----------


## Crunch

Man says to his wife, ' Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.

She replies, 'Your dick is bigger than your brother's'.

----------

Dave37 (06-11-2018),Madison (06-18-2018),NuYawka (06-11-2018),Old Tex (07-01-2018)

----------


## ChemEngineer

Compliment to a feminist:
*
You don't sweat much for a fat girl.*

----------

Madison (06-18-2018)

----------


## Northern Rivers

> Minervini says to his wife, "You should go bra-less."
> 
> She says, "You really think so? Do you think my breasts are perky enough?"
> 
> He says, "No, but maybe it'd pull some those fucking wrinkles out of your face."


Congrats on #35!!!

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

----------

Canadianeye (07-07-2018),FirstGenCanadian (10-16-2018),Madison (06-18-2018),Old Tex (07-01-2018)

----------


## ChemEngineer

> Compliment to a feminist:
> *You don't sweat much for a fat girl.*


Why does a sumo wrestler shave his legs?

/
/
/

So he won't be mistaken for a feminist.

----------

Dos Equis (08-17-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

A man who reeked of alcohol flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his ripped jacket pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?"

The priest, disgusted by the man's appearance and behavior, snapped, "It's caused by loose living; being with cheap, wicked women; drinking too much alcohol; and having a contempt for your fellow man!"

"Well, I'll be," the man muttered and returned to his newspaper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm sorry to have come on so strong - I didn't mean it. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

----------

Abbey (07-26-2018),Dos Equis (08-17-2018),Rickity Plumber (07-08-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying, "Here's your phone."

"What makes you think it's mine?" the ref asked.

"Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls.

----------

Abbey (07-26-2018),Canadianeye (07-07-2018),Dos Equis (07-27-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

Late one night at the insane asylum, one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"

Another patient asked, "How do you know?"

The first inmate said, "Because God told me!"

Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"

----------

Abbey (07-26-2018)

----------


## Dos Equis

So I was at this bar and someone yelled, "Does anyone know CPR?"

I retorted, "I do!   In fact, I know the entire alphabet"

Everyone cracked up laughing, except this one guy...............

----------

Rita Marley (07-27-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. "Let's set some parameters," the professor said. "What's the opposite of joy?" he asked one student.

"Sadness," he replied.

"The opposite of depression?" he asked another student.

"Elation," he replied.

"The opposite of woe?" the prof asked a young woman from Texas.

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddyup."

----------


## Dos Equis

Did you know that the toothbrush was invented in Alabama?  

Anywhere else and it would have been called a "teethbrush"

----------


## Dos Equis

So this woman gets ticketed by a police officer because she parked in the wrong area.   When the officer tells her what she had done, she retorted, "Sorry, I never meant to break the law", to which the officer said, "I know, I saw the Hillary bumper sticker, so I'll just give you the handy dandy Comey warning this time"

----------


## Dos Equis

The police officer pulled me over and said, "You drinking?" 

I said, "You buying?" 

We just laughed and laughed. 

I need bail money.

----------


## Dos Equis

Don't die a virgin. 

Seriously, there are terrorists waiting for you up there

----------

Captain Kirk! (10-27-2018)

----------


## Dos Equis

Well it happened, I've sworn off alcohol. 

It happened the last time I got drunk.  There I was, in the bathroom, next to the toilet when I hear the toilet say in a rather threatening voice, "You know, I've had enough of you!     All I do is put up with your crap and the only time you hug me is when you are drunk!"

----------


## Dos Equis

Do twins ever realize that one of them was not wanted and unplanned and it really did not matter which one it was?

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

Dave is sitting at the bar with his friend Mike, confiding in him about his troubled love life.

"I'm crazy about this girl at work" Dave starts, "but I can't even look at her without getting a massive erection. How am I supposed to ask her out if I can't even look at her without losing the run of myself?"

Mike pauses for a moment and shares with Dave,

"Dude I have had this problem before."

"Really?" asks Dave.

"Yeah man, I used duct tape. Strapped my piece to my leg and I didn't have to worry about it when I made my move."

Dave decides it's worth a shot, thanks Mike, drains his beer and leaves.

The pair meet at the bar the following evening and Dave seems more down than before.

"What's up Dave? How did it go?" enquires Mike, eager for answers.

"I took your advice" he replied. "It did it all. Taped my piece to my leg, got dressed for work and marched right up to her."

"So what happened?!" presses Mike.

"Well I reached her just as she was taking her coat off and she turns around wearing this insanely tight dress...."

Dave trails off.

"What did you say to her?" Mike asks

"I kicked her in the face."

 :Smiley ROFLMAO:

----------

Dos Equis (08-20-2018),FirstGenCanadian (10-16-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted an attractive young lady.

He asked a nearby trainer, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby."

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

Here's an old one revisited. 


On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
Yes,' he informed the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple. 'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!!!' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?

----------

Dos Equis (09-21-2018),Rita Marley (09-08-2018)

----------


## Rita Marley

A short guy broke my heart.

Now whenever I see children playing I think of him.

----------

Rickity Plumber (09-24-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each morning and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (the only vehicle he had) and drove the 30 miles.

While the pigs were in the field mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they'll be pregnant. If they're lying in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week and the farmers were worn out.

The next morning, one was too tired to even get out of bed. So he called out to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon. And one of them is honking the horn."

----------

Dos Equis (09-21-2018),Ed D (09-17-2018),NuYawka (09-17-2018),Rita Marley (10-01-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

A man is bragging about his new hearing aid. "It's the best I've ever had," he says. "It cost $3,000."

His friend asks, "What kind is it?"

He says, "Half past four!"

----------

Ed D (09-22-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

I found a wallet with 20 dollars in it. I wasn't sure how to proceed, but then I thought,
 "What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

----------

Dos Equis (10-30-2018),Rita Marley (10-01-2018)

----------


## Ill-informed

The farmers wife was reading a book in bed late one night when her inebriated husband walks in carrying a goat. He says "Now you see here is the pig that I have to screw when you won't put out". The wife says to him "Just shut up, you're drunk." He replies "You shut up, I was talking to the goat".

----------

Rita Marley (10-01-2018)

----------


## Ed D

FBI agent pulls up to a country store where an old man is sitting on the porch with a big dog lying beside his chair.  The FBI says,
"Hey, old timer.  Does your dog bite?"
Old man shakes his head no.

  The FBI reaches down to pet the dog and the dog bites him good.  The FBI hollers,
" You old asshole.  You said your dog doesn't bite."

Old man says,
"Shit, boy.  That ain't my dog."

----------



----------


## HawkTheSlayer

A poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, "My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd, and I'm nervous as a cat."

"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" asked the collie.

"I can't," replied the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch

----------

Ed D (09-24-2018),NuYawka (09-30-2018),Rita Marley (10-01-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: I am the 9th letter of the alphabet.

----------

Ed D (09-30-2018),NuYawka (09-30-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday.

Apparently you are not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

----------

Captain Kirk! (10-27-2018),Rita Marley (10-01-2018)

----------


## Crunch

Ya'll have probably heard these before, so sorry in advance..................


What did Helen Keller do when she fell into the well?

She screamed her hands off!






How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They rearranged the furniture.
They left the plunger in the toilet.
They had her answer the iron




Why can't Hellen Keller jump out of an airplane?

 It scares the shit out of her dog. 






Why did Helen Keller masturbate with on hand?

She moaned with the other.






Why can't Helen Keller drive? 

 Because she's a woman!

----------

Rickity Plumber (11-21-2018),Rita Marley (10-01-2018)

----------


## Ed D

There's a new strain of AIDS.  It's called Hearing Aids.  You catch it by listening to assholes.

----------

Dos Equis (10-30-2018)

----------


## OverDrive

Something reminded me of this old joke today:

Mr, & Mrs Wong moved to the US from China and wanted to have an American baby like everyone else.

But their doctor had to give them the bad news that "Two Wongs don't make a white"...ba dump dump

----------



----------


## Ed D

> Something reminded me of this old joke today:
> 
> Mr, & Mrs Wong moved to the US from China and wanted to have an American baby like everyone else.
> 
> But their doctor had to give them the bad news that "Two Wongs don't make a white"...ba dump dump





Ok, which one is the groan emoji?

----------

FirstGenCanadian (11-16-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

God is sitting in heaven when a scientist says to him, "Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Tell me," replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into your likeness and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's interesting. Show me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

"Oh no, no, no," interrupts God. "Get your own dirt."

 @Calypso Jones

----------

FirstGenCanadian (11-16-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

A lawyer, a doctor, and a preacher went hunting together. When a prize buck ran past them, they all fired at the exact same moment and the buck dropped.

However, there was only one bullet hole, and they didn't know which of them shot it. So they took it to the registration center, not knowing who should tag it.

The agent said, "Let me look at the deer. Sometimes I can figure it out."

He asked a few questions, examined the deer carefully, and declared, "The preacher shot this buck!"

Amazed, they all asked how he knew. Stooping down, he pointed out the wound. "See here. It went in one ear and out the other."

----------

Ed D (10-23-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

A good ole Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looked at him and said, "What are you gonna do with that? There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."

He said, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He saw the wife and asked where his brother was. She said, "He's out there in his bass boat," pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother headed out behind the house and saw his brother sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of a big field. He yelled out to him, "What are you doing?"

His brother yelled back, "I'm fishin'. What does it look like I'm a doing?"

His brother yelled, "It's people like you that give people from Alabama a bad name, makin' everybody think we is stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and give you what for!"

----------

Ed D (10-23-2018),jirqoadai (01-16-2019)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal.

Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful - so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing."

The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man add, "Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!"

----------

Ed D (10-23-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

A husband asked his wife, "If I should die first, would you marry again?"

"I would be heart-broken, of course," was her reply, "but I think eventually I would remarry."

"But you wouldn't bring him here to our house, would you?"

"Why not? I've worked and slaved to make this house a home. There is no reason to abandon it."

"But you wouldn't sleep in our bed?"

"Well, I wouldn't run out and buy a new bed right away."

"Surely, you wouldn't let him use my golf clubs?"

"Of course not! He's left-handed!"

----------

Dos Equis (11-30-2018),Ed D (10-31-2018),jirqoadai (01-16-2019),OverDrive (10-25-2018)

----------


## Captain Kirk!

> I skate and there is a creepy skate park were me and my friends rarely skate because it is so wet & gross it thrashed our skateboards so we have this joke we share that goes like this meet me at the meremaid hole so we can sink  &  polar bears can eat us and our boards cause we have nothing to do with our free time.


Dafuq?

----------


## Captain Kirk!

*The Queen and the Queen Mother are playing 20 Questions…*
...a  game at which the Queen excels, and is consistently victorious. This  time however, the Queen Mother is determined to win at long last.
It  is the Queen Mother's turn to decide, and she sits in front of the  blank piece of paper for a long while, considering what unexpected  riddle she might procure in order to perplex her daughter. After a long  moment of deliberation, the Queen Mother’s cataract-ridden eyes shine  with newfound excitement once again. She looks slyly at her daughter,  and covering the piece of paper carefully with her forearm, and stifling  a giggle, she writes on the paper “Big Black Cock” practically already  gloating in her victory.
She throws her daughter a victorious look as she folds the sheet and hides it among her skirts.
“Very well,” says the Queen Mother, “we are ready to proceed.”
The Queen considers for a moment, before asking her first question: “Can one eat it?”
The Queen Mother hesitates for a moment, considering. “Well… well yes, I suppose one can…”
“Is it a big black cock?”

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time. He waved, jumped up and down, and stared at the stork a while longer.

Finally, turning to his father, he exclaimed, "Gee, Dad, he doesn't recognize me!"

----------


## OverDrive

> On his first visit to the zooi, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time. He waved, jumped up and down, and stared at the stork a while longer.
> 
> Finally, turning to his father, he exclaimed, "Gee, Dad, he doesn't recognize me!"


*Groan*   Could see it comin!

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this! I am a United States congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

----------

Old Tex (11-11-2018),OverDrive (11-11-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

A man was driving down the road in the country. He looked over and saw a baby pig in the field. He stopped and picked up the pig.

He was driving around town with the pig in the car and a cop sees him and pulls him over. Cop says "Hey! What are you doing with that pig in the car?"

The driver says, "Well, I just found the pig beside the road in the field."

The cop says, "I want you to take that pig to the zoo!" The driver agrees he will take the pig to the zoo.

So the next day the cop sees the guy driving around again and pulls him over. "What are you doing? I thought I told you to take that pig to the zoo!"

"Well I did take the pig to the zoo. We had such a good time we are going to the ball game now."

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous.

They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew if any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8-year-old in the morning, and the older boy was to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher then shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?"

The boy screamed, bolted from the room, ran directly home, and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time! GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

----------

FirstGenCanadian (11-16-2018)

----------


## OverDrive

> Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous.
> 
> They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew if any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.
> 
> The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
> 
> The mother sent the 8-year-old in the morning, and the older boy was to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
> 
> The boy made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher then shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?"
> ...


That sounds like a Tom Cruise joke!   :Smiley ROFLMAO:

----------



----------


## Ill-informed

Heaven has a wall and strict immigration rules.....Hell has open borders.

----------

Captain Kirk! (12-17-2018)

----------


## FirstGenCanadian

*An oldie, and one of my favorites...
*
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. 
  After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. 
  The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on  the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start  to get nervous, I take a sip." 
  So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of  the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a  storm.
  Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 
  1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C. 
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass. 
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me" 
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry," 
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. 
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

----------



----------


## HawkTheSlayer

> *An oldie, and one of my favorites...
> *
> A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. 
>   After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. 
>   The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on  the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start  to get nervous, I take a sip." 
>   So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of  the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a  storm.
>   Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 
>   1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 
> 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 
> ...


 :Smiley ROFLMAO:

----------

JMWinPR (11-26-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Edna would say, "I know, Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year, I may never get another chance."

Edna replied, "Fred, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word, it's ten dollars."

Fred and Edna agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They landed and the pilot turned to Fred. "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Fred replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

----------

Canadianeye (11-26-2018),Ed D (11-21-2018),FirstGenCanadian (11-30-2018),Hillofbeans (11-20-2018),jirqoadai (01-16-2019)

----------


## Old Tex

The funniest joke I've heard lately. 


Hillary may run for president AGAIN. 

Now that is funny. 

Honestly with her money/power/connections I did think that they might elect her as cell block leader or something but not president.

----------



----------


## Ed D

Q: Do you know what that white stuff in chickenshit is?

A: It's chickenshit too.

----------



----------


## HawkTheSlayer

> Q: Do you know what that white stuff in chickenshit is?
> 
> A: It's chickenshit too.


No... 
it's white poo. 

Chickens are Ray-ciss!

racist1.jpgtenor.jpg

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes.

But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

----------

Ed D (11-28-2018),FirstGenCanadian (11-30-2018),jirqoadai (01-16-2019)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

"Vernon, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.

"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.

"Vernon, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"

"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted the boy. "I had to force him, but he ate it!"

----------

Ed D (11-28-2018)

----------


## Crunch

My insurance company told me that most car accidents happen within 25 miles of my home, so I moved!

----------

Dave37 (12-02-2018),Dos Equis (11-30-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

I went to a funeral 8 days ago. A Catholic deacon did the service. Evidently it was not a full mass. The deceased was a childhood friend. Sitting next to me was also a lifelong friend. 

I noticed we never had to kneel. So i asked him what was up with that. He replied, "not a full mass". 

I told him that was ok with me, because i had done enough kneeling in church and as punishment around the house(kneel on dry rice) as a kid. 
I asked him if he knew what I meant. He looked at me and I told him, "You know,  Kneel Young".

It took everything he had not to lol in the chapel.

----------


## Neo

399D74C0-0EEA-4FE4-9D30-B6CA5064DDEF.jpeg

----------

OverDrive (11-30-2018),Rickity Plumber (11-30-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

> 399D74C0-0EEA-4FE4-9D30-B6CA5064DDEF.jpeg


 :Smiley ROFLMAO:

----------



----------


## HawkTheSlayer

Years ago when my two girls were small, they were taught how to say their blessing before eating their meal.

One night as I was busy scurrying around the kitchen, I told them both to stay their blessings without me. I took a moment to watch them as they both squeezed their eyes tightly shut over folded hands. As my four-year-old finished, her three-year-old sister kept on praying.

Another minute or two passed before she lifted her head, looked at her plate, and in an indignant voice said, "Hey! My peas are still here!"

----------

Ed D (12-07-2018),jirqoadai (01-16-2019)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

A preacher dies, and when he gets to heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation."

The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"

The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."

The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"

----------

Ed D (12-07-2018)

----------


## Rita Marley

A 15-year old boy says to his father, "Hey Dad! I had my first sexual experience last night!"

"HAHA, that's my tiger!" says Pops, "Come, sit down and tell me all about it."

"I can't," said the boy.

----------

Ed D (12-07-2018),OverDrive (12-05-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a big decision! Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, we took a vote... and they're in favor of it 15 to 2."

----------

Ed D (12-07-2018),jirqoadai (01-16-2019),Rita Marley (12-09-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

> A 15-year old boy says to his father, "Hey Dad! I had my first sexual experience last night!"
> 
> "HAHA, that's my tiger!" says Pops, "Come, sit down and tell me all about it."
> 
> "I can't," said the boy.


 :Smiley ROFLMAO:

----------

Rita Marley (12-09-2018)

----------


## Ed D

There was a judge who loved to drink, but his wife wouldn't allow him to.  His wife went to visit her sister overnight, so the judge went out and got bombed.  He woke up the next morning on the bathroom floor with puke on his suit and late for court.  He hurriedly changed and dashed off to work, leaving his suit on the bathroom floor.

  When he came home his wife was sulking, so he apologized for the state of his suit he left on the floor.  

He said, " I apologize for leaving that suit on the floor, but a drunk driver being charged in my courtroom threw up on me and I had to rush home and change.  I gave him 30 days for contempt of court."

  His wife looked at him and said, " You should have given him six months.  He shit in your pants, too."

----------

Rita Marley (12-09-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise...

My boss asked "what companies?"

Gas, water and electricity.

----------

Dave37 (12-16-2018),Ed D (12-10-2018),NuYawka (12-16-2018),OverDrive (12-09-2018),Rita Marley (12-09-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

Did you hear about the two silk worms who were in a race?

They both ended up in a tie.

----------

Dave37 (12-16-2018),Ed D (12-15-2018),Rita Marley (12-16-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc.,
 I called the Suicide Hotline.
 I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck...

----------

Dave37 (12-16-2018),Ed D (12-22-2018),jirqoadai (01-16-2019),Rita Marley (12-16-2018)

----------


## Dr. Felix Birdbiter

Did you hear about the latest innovation in coffins?  Its a coffin made completely of glass.  When asked why was there a market for such a coffin the inventor said "Remains to be seen"

----------

OverDrive (12-16-2018),Rita Marley (12-16-2018)

----------


## OverDrive

> Did you hear about the latest innovation in coffins?  Its a coffin made completely of glass.  When asked why was there a market for such a coffin the inventor said "Remains to be seen"


Thought ii was a coffin for "exhibitionists"

----------


## Liberty Monkey

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
.
.
.
Just kidding. Feminists can't change anything...

----------


## Captain Kirk!

> How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
> .
> .
> .
> Just kidding. Feminists can't change anything...


No need to, just let the bitch cook in the dark!

----------


## Captain Kirk!

> The funniest joke I've heard lately. 
> 
> 
> Hillary may run for president AGAIN. 
> 
> Now that is funny. 
> 
> Honestly with her money/power/connections I did think that they might elect her as cell block leader or something but not president.


run hil run.jpg

----------


## OverDrive

*According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.*
*
*
*Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be female.*
*
*
*We should've known... ONLY a female would be able to drag a fat jolly old man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost!*

----------


## OverDrive

*In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed what great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered this traveler from up North as he looked at it in admiration. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, he left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. 
*

*She looked at him strangely and said, ""You Yankees never do read the Bible!" 
*

*He assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.*

*She pulled her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages and eventually grinned as her finger pointed to a passage which she showed him.
*

*"See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar'."*

----------

jirqoadai (01-16-2019)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

*The Economy is So Bad...*

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

I bought a toaster oven and my free gift was a bank.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street."

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

----------

Dan40 (12-26-2018),Dave37 (12-23-2018),Ed D (12-22-2018),Northern Rivers (12-17-2018),Rita Marley (12-17-2018),Rutabaga (12-24-2018)

----------


## Old Tex

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

Bill has ALWAYS shared a room, just not with Hillary.

----------

Rutabaga (12-24-2018)

----------


## OverDrive

*It's a romantic full moon on Christmas Eve, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."*
*

"Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.


"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged
.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.


" Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."


Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."


Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....


"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!"
*

----------

Dan40 (12-25-2018),Rita Marley (12-23-2018),Rutabaga (12-24-2018)

----------


## FirstGenCanadian

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

----------

Ed D (12-22-2018),jirqoadai (01-16-2019),leecross (12-24-2018),OverDrive (12-25-2018),Retiredat50 (12-23-2018),Rutabaga (12-24-2018)

----------


## OverDrive

*It Snowed Last Night.*. 



8:00 am: I made a snowman. 



8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman. 



8:15 - So, I made a snow woman. 



8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere. 



8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead. 



8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts. 



8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with. 







8:28 - I was being called a racist now because the snow couple is white. 



8:30 - I used food coloring to make one of the snow couple a different color and be more racially inclusive. 







8:37 - Accused of using black face on the snowman...snowpersons. 



8:39 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up . 



8:40 - The police arrived saying someone had been offended. 



8:42 - The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role. 



8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction. 



8:45 - TV news crew from BBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist. 



9:00 - I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather. 



9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services. 



9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested. 







9:45 - The boss called and fired me because of the negative association with work that had been all over social media. 



10:00 - I cry into my drink because all I wanted to do was build a snowman... 



Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what this world has become because of a bunch of snowflakes. 



Merry Christmas ???

----------

Canadianeye (12-26-2018),leecross (12-24-2018),Rita Marley (12-23-2018),Rutabaga (12-24-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

> A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."


 :Smiley ROFLMAO:

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

When she walked back to Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow."

----------

Canadianeye (12-26-2018),Ed D (12-23-2018),jirqoadai (01-16-2019),leecross (12-24-2018),OverDrive (01-07-2019),Retiredat50 (12-23-2018),Rutabaga (12-24-2018)

----------


## Tennyson

A cowboy passes by a ranch and strikes up a conversation with the rancher sitting by the gate.

The cowboy asks the rancher, "Mind if I talk to your dog over there?"

"Damn fool, don't you know dogs can't talk?"

The cowboy replies, "So what's the harm?"

The rancher shrugs, "Go right ahead."

The cowboy ambles up to the dog and says, "Howdy!" The dog replies, "Hello."

The rancher's eyes pop wide open.

The cowboy continues, "Does your master here treat you alright?"

"Sure does. He feeds me, lets me sleep inside, and every day he takes me to the lake."

The cowboy asks the shocked rancher, "Mind if I talk to your horse over there?"

The rancher replies, "Now, I don't know what you're up to, but I know for a fact that horses can't talk."

"Well then, what's the harm?"

"Go right ahead," says the rancher.

The cowboy says to the horse, "Hello." The horse replies, "Hello."

The rancher's jaw drops.

The cowboy asks, "Your owner here treat you OK?"

"Sure," replies the horse, tossing his mane. "He rides me every day, brushes me down, feeds me good, and he keeps me in the barn out of the bad weather."

The cowboy looks satisfied and turns to the rancher, "Are those your sheep over there?"

The rancher looks alarmed and stammers, "Listen -- them sheep out there, they're -- they're nothing but a bunch of liars!"

----------

Dos Equis (12-25-2018),leecross (12-24-2018),OverDrive (12-25-2018),Rutabaga (12-24-2018)

----------


## Rutabaga

:Smiley ROFLMAO:

----------



----------


## OverDrive

*A Great Hunt*



*Shot my first turkey* *yesterday**!*

*Scared the shit*

*outta everyone*

*in the frozen food section.*

*It was awesome!*

*Gettin' old is so much fun...*


*Remember: Don 't make old People mad.*
*We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.*

----------


## Dan40

> *It's a romantic full moon on Christmas Eve, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."*
> *
> 
> "Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
> 
> 
> "Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged
> .
> "But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.
> ...


On cruise ships, when someone has a birthday, the waiters sing:

Hoppy Bursdi two shoes.

----------

OverDrive (12-25-2018)

----------


## OverDrive

A Father buys a lie-detector Robot that slaps you when you lie.

He decides to test it out on his son at supper table.
Father asked the son, "Where were you last night?"
Son replied, "I was at the library"
The robot slaps the son.
"OK I was at a friend's house, watching a movie" the son says!

The father says... "What movie?"
"Toy Story,"
Robot slaps the son," OK it was porn "cried the son.

Father yells, "What ! When I was your age I did not know what porn was."
Robot slaps the father.

The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son."
Robot slaps the mother.

----------

Canadianeye (12-26-2018),FirstGenCanadian (12-27-2018)

----------


## Rita Marley



----------

Canadianeye (12-26-2018),Ed D (12-28-2018),jirqoadai (01-16-2019),Liberty Monkey (01-02-2019)

----------


## Northern Rivers

A cleaner at a New Zealand hospice was mopping her way around the bed of a new arrival. She was very uptight...considering it was a hospice...so...she said, "Did you come here to die?"


No, mam! I come here yesterdie!"

----------

Canadianeye (12-26-2018),Rita Marley (12-26-2018)

----------


## OverDrive

An Arab enters a taxi cab in Dallas, Texas.......... 

Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and; in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music, which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio.



So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, pulls over to the side, stops the cab and opens the back door.



The Arab asks him: What are you doing, man?



The Texan answers: In the time of the prophet there were no taxis.



So get your ass out and wait for a camel. 

You gotta love Texas!

**

----------

FirstGenCanadian (12-27-2018),Rita Marley (12-29-2018)

----------


## OverDrive

*David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:*

10 - Have to sit upright while driving.


9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.


8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.


7- Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time. 



6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt jr.


5 - Police cars on track interfere with race. 



4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.


3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition. 



2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.



AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR...

1 - They can't wear their helmets sideways.

----------

FirstGenCanadian (12-27-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

Instructor: "Isn't it remarkable how quickly the kids learn to drive the car?"

Parent: "Yes, especially considering how slowly they catch on to running the lawnmower and vacuum cleaner."

----------

Liberty Monkey (01-02-2019)

----------


## Dan40

POLITICS.

Is a combination of the Greek word "POLY" meaning many,

And the word "TICS" meaning blood suckers.

----------

Liberty Monkey (01-02-2019),Rita Marley (12-29-2018)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "We feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."

"Thank God," returned the taxpayer. "I thought you were going to want cash."

----------

FirstGenCanadian (01-09-2019),jirqoadai (01-16-2019),Rita Marley (12-29-2018)

----------


## Liberty Monkey

What did the Leper say to the prostitute?
.
.
.
Keep the tip  :Wink:

----------

DLLS (01-24-2019),Rita Marley (01-02-2019)

----------


## OverDrive

It's hard to believe, but Texas has followed that idiot newspaper up in New York, and released a map of the location of all gun owners. 

Their locations are marked by *red dots
*IMG_20190102_071714.jpg

----------

jirqoadai (01-16-2019),MisterVeritis (01-16-2019),Old Tex (01-13-2019),Rita Marley (01-02-2019)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped."

"Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?"

"Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue Service."

----------

OverDrive (01-07-2019),Rita Marley (01-07-2019)

----------


## OverDrive

Q: If there’s H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what’s on the outside?


answer: K9P

----------



----------


## Northern Rivers

Still my favourite:

If Jesus had a telephone, Leonardo would have painted "The Last Pizza".

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

A man is lying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon.

The father says, "Son, think of it this way: If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."

----------

Ed D (01-12-2019),jirqoadai (01-16-2019)

----------


## Ed D

A woman tells her doctor that she's worried about her husband losing his temper.

The Doctor: "What's the problem?
The Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
Doc: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting  angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.  Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the  room or calms down.”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

TW: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started  losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed  right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
Doc: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".

----------

Dos Equis (01-20-2019),Hillofbeans (01-21-2019),MisterVeritis (01-16-2019),wbslws (01-16-2019)

----------


## Ed D

A cop calls the station house and says, "You won't believe this, but an old lady just shot her husband for walking on the kitchen floor she just mopped".

The dispatcher said, "Did you arrest her?"

  Cop says, "Hell no, the floor's still wet".

----------

FirstGenCanadian (01-16-2019),wbslws (01-20-2019)

----------


## Ed D

*A few minutes before the church service started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and chatting among friends.* 
*
Suddenly, in a flash of light, Satan appeared in front of the congregation! 

Everyone started screaming and running for the exits, trampling each  other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly cowboy who sat  calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that  God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

 So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The old cowboy replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the cowboy.

Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old cowboy.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The old cowboy calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'
*

----------

jirqoadai (01-20-2019),wbslws (01-20-2019)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. 
Hospital officials say they will find out what the doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!

----------

Ed D (01-20-2019)

----------


## Ed D

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.  Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt.  Do you think I should change dentists?

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day.  I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair?  Apparently the correct answer was Africa.

----------

wbslws (01-20-2019)

----------


## Ed D

*Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"* 

*80% held up their hands.  The Minister then repeated his question.  All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes. * 

*"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" * 

*"I don't have any," he replied gruffly. * 

*"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual.  How old are you?" * 

*"Ninety-eight," he replied.  The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. * 

*"Oh, Mr. Barnes,  would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can  live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" * 

*The old  golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned  around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them  assholes."
*

----------

Dos Equis (01-25-2019),drifter106 (01-21-2019)

----------


## drifter106

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping centre:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

----------

Dos Equis (01-25-2019),Ed D (01-21-2019),Rita Marley (01-21-2019),wbslws (01-23-2019)

----------


## Ed D

*The kids filed into class Monday  morning.  They were all very excited.  Their weekend assignment was to  sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.* 
*
* *Little Sally led off.  "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly.*
*
* *"My sales approach was to appeal to  the customer's civic spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious  success. “Very good," said the teacher.*
*
* *Little Debbie was next.*
*
* *"I sold magazines," she said.  "I  made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up  on current events. “Very good, Debbie," said the teacher.*
*
* *Eventually it was Little Johnny's turn. * 
*
* *The teacher held her breath.  Little  Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of  cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the  teacher, "What in the world were you selling? “Toothbrushes," said  Little Johnny. “Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher.  "How could you  possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?*
*
* *"I found the busiest corner in town,"  said Little Johnny.  "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave  everybody who walked by a free sample."  They all said the same thing,  "Hey, this tastes like dog poop." * 
*
* *I would say, "It is dog poop.  Wanna buy a toothbrush?”*

----------


## drifter106

PROOF OF PURCHASE


A little lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the clerk, " Sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat foot to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat. The lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. 

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. The lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food.

One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. The cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and exclaimed, "That smells like crap!" 

The lady replied, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

----------

Ed D (01-23-2019),jirqoadai (01-23-2019)

----------


## Ed D



----------

drifter106 (01-23-2019),jirqoadai (01-23-2019)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one-question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk, and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, and notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class, however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words:

"What chair?"

----------

drifter106 (01-27-2019),Ed D (01-23-2019)

----------


## drifter106

Hitler realizes the Chiefs lose to the Patriots 


https://www.captiongenerator.com/125...-won-the-AFCCG

----------


## Ed D

I'm not saying my nephew is an idiot, but he does have a whole different kinds of smarts from what I'm used to seeing.  For instance, he invited me over to see his new apartment.  We were standing in the living room looking at his view of the skyline and he said, "Let me show you what I got from dad as a housewarming gift."

I followed him into his bedroom and he pointed at this huge gong on a stand against the wall.   I said, "Nice gong".

He said, "No, it's a talking clock".   "Talking clock?" I asked.  "Watch", he said and hit the gong with the big drumstick that hung from a hook on the stand.  It was deafening.

  Immediately, a voice came from the other side of the wall, "Hey, asshole, cut it out.  It's 2 AM!"

----------


## Ed D

*Tyrone . . . .**Tyrone was having trouble in school;  his teacher was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone;  will you ever learn anything?"

One day Tyrone's mother came to  school to see how he was doing. The teacher told her honestly that her  son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had  never had such an unmotivated and ignorant boy in her entire teaching  career. 

Tyrone's mom, shocked at the feedback, withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

25  years later, the teacher was diagnosed with irreversible cardiac  disease. Her doctors all strongly advised her to have open heart  surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform.  Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation,  which was remarkably successful.

When she opened her eyes after  the surgery she saw the handsome young doctor who headed her surgical  team smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk.  Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him  something, but quickly died.

The doctor was shocked, wondering  what went wrong so suddenly. When the doctor turned around to leave the  room, he saw Tyrone, now a janitor at the Clinic, had unplugged the  life-support equipment in order to plug in his vacuum cleaner.

If you thought that Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is a high likelihood that you voted for Hillary.*

----------

drifter106 (01-27-2019)

----------


## Ed D

*Department of the Navy is now  assigning females to quarters in a separate private "OFF LIMITS" area on  all aircraft carriers. Addressing all boat personnel at Pearl, CINCPAC  advised, "female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all  males. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first  time." He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time  will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of  $500. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a Marine Gunnery Sergeant from the security detail assigned to the ship stood up in the crowd and inquired...

"Sir, How much for a season pass?"

God bless the USMC!*

----------

MrogersNhood (01-26-2019)

----------


## Ed D

*A man was telling his neighbor in Port Charlotte, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'*

----------

MrogersNhood (01-26-2019),Rita Marley (01-26-2019)

----------


## Ed D

*Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, 
and one says to the other, "I hear that the people 
in this country actually eat dogs." 

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live 
in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, 
"Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk 
towards the hot dog cart. 

"Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very pleased*   *to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.*   *Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to*   *unwrap their 'dogs.'The mother superior is first to open hers. 

She begins to blush, and then staring at it for a moment,*   *leans to the other Nun and in a soft brogue whispers...... 

"What part did you get?"*

----------

drifter106 (01-27-2019),MrogersNhood (01-26-2019)

----------


## MrogersNhood

> There was a man in France who drove a train for a living.
> He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
> He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
> Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
> He made it out, but a single person died.
> Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
> He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
> When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
> After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
> ...



Oh! Oh!

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

A old snake goes to see his doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes. Can't see well these days." The doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in two weeks.

The snake comes back two weeks later and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem -- didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine, Doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past two years!"

----------

drifter106 (01-27-2019),Rita Marley (01-26-2019)

----------


## Dr. Felix Birdbiter

A local winery is going to market a wine that helps men who have prostate problems.  It will be marketed under the name Pinot Moar

----------

Rita Marley (01-26-2019)

----------


## Rita Marley

You know how ducks always fly in a "V"? And you know how one side is always longer than the other? You know why that is?

Because there's more ducks on that side.

----------

drifter106 (01-27-2019),Ed D (01-26-2019),JMWinPR (02-03-2019)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

> A local winery is going to market a wine that helps men who have prostate problems.  It will be marketed under the name Pinot Moar


 :Smiley ROFLMAO:

----------


## Dan40

> You know how ducks always fly in a "V"? And you know how one side is always longer than the other? You know why that is?
> 
> Because there's more ducks on that side.


*RECOUNT!
*
I demand a recount!

----------

Rita Marley (01-27-2019)

----------


## Dr. Felix Birdbiter

> You know how ducks always fly in a "V"? And you know how one side is always longer than the other? You know why that is?
> 
> Because there's more ducks on that side.


I am going to duck this issue.

----------

Dan40 (01-27-2019),Rita Marley (01-27-2019)

----------


## drifter106

Dear Abby, 

My husband hasn't worked for the last 18 years. All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies. I know he's cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his granddaughters. I know this because he brags about it to me. He smokes fancy imported cigars and drinks the most expensive liquor day and night. We sleep in separate bedrooms because he tells me he knows I dont like men and besides that, he says my varicose veins and fat behind turns him off. Should I clobber him with something heavy, or should I just leave him?

Sincerely, Mad as Hell


--------------------------------------


Dear Mad as Hell,

You don`t have to take that kind of treatment from any man. I suggest you pack your bags and move out A.S.A.P. Dont resort to violence and try to act more like a lady. Remember, you were almost elected President of the United States, so try acting like one.


Abby

----------


## drifter106

> *Tyrone . . . .*
> 
> 
> 
> *Tyrone was having trouble in school;  his teacher was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone;  will you ever learn anything?"
> 
> One day Tyrone's mother came to  school to see how he was doing. The teacher told her honestly that her  son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had  never had such an unmotivated and ignorant boy in her entire teaching  career. 
> 
> Tyrone's mom, shocked at the feedback, withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.
> ...


 :Smiley ROFLMAO:

----------

Ed D (01-27-2019)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

The three bears had been having some trouble recently and ended up in family court. Mama and Papa Bear were splitting up, and Baby Bear had to decide who he was going to live with. So, the judge wanted to talk to Baby Bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents.

When he asked Baby Bear about living with his father, Baby Bear said, "No, I can't live with Papa Bear. He beats me terribly."

"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"

"No way!" replied Baby Bear. "She beats me worse than Papa Bear does."

The judge was a bit confused by this and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there another relative you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.

"Yes," answered Baby Bear, "my aunt Bertha Bear, who lives in Chicago."

"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.

"Oh, definitely," said Baby Bear. "The Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

----------

Dos Equis (02-01-2019),Ed D (01-27-2019),Rickity Plumber (01-27-2019)

----------


## drifter106

These are from a book, "Disorder in the Court", and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.





ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________ ______
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________ _ _________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ ______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?

WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

----------

Ed D (01-30-2019),Hillofbeans (01-30-2019),usfan (02-01-2019)

----------


## Ed D

Here's an oldie:

*Why Grandpa's Are Better* *Have you ever wondered what  the difference is between*   *Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it  is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a*   *special effort to spend time with his  son's family on*   *weekends.  Every Saturday morning he would take his *   *5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for*   *some quality time --  pancakes, ice cream, candy--*   *just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold*   *and could not get out of bed.  He knew his granddaughter*   *always looked forward to their drives and would be very*   *disappointed.  Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and*   *said that she would take their granddaughter for her*   *weekly drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to*   *see her grandfather who was still in bed.  "Well, did you*   *enjoy your ride with grandma?" he  asked.

"Not really, PaPa, it was boring.  We didn't see a single asshole,*   *queer, piece of shit,  horse's ass, socialist left wing Obama lover,*   *blind  bastard, dip shit, Muslim camel humper,*   *peckerhead or son of a bitch anywhere we went. *   *We just drove around and Grandma smiled at*   *everyone she saw.  I really didn't have any fun."

***Almost brings a tear to your eye,  doesn't  it?****

----------

drifter106 (01-30-2019),FirstGenCanadian (02-15-2019)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

> Here's an oldie:
> 
> *Why Grandpa's Are Better*
> 
> 
> 
>  *Have you ever wondered what  the difference is between*   *Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it  is:
> 
> There was this loving grandfather who always made a*   *special effort to spend time with his  son's family on*   *weekends.  Every Saturday morning he would take his *   *5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for*   *some quality time --  pancakes, ice cream, candy--*   *just him and his granddaughter.
> ...


Sometimes i unconsciously do that with my 9 year old niece.  She always laughs.
Every now and then she'll tell me, " That's a new one Uncle Hawk. I never heard it before. "

----------

Ed D (01-30-2019)

----------


## drifter106



----------

Ed D (01-30-2019),jirqoadai (01-30-2019)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

I played for a semi-pro baseball team.

At every game we sold raffle tickets. Half the money paid the team's expenses and the other half went to the winning ticket holder.

One day they held the drawing just as I was stepping up to bat.

The home plate umpire pulled the winning ticket, and then turned to me. "Could you read me the number?" he asked. "My vision's not too good."

----------


## Crunch

One day Little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parent’s room to check it out.

He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.

After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.

Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!"

Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when it’s your mom is it?

----------



----------


## HawkTheSlayer

> One day Little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parent’s room to check it out.
> 
> He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.
> 
> After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.
> 
> Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!"
> 
> Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when it’s your mom is it?


 :Smiley ROFLMAO:

----------


## drifter106

> 


X2

----------


## drifter106

Signs of Civil War brewing....
with all the crap thats going on many people are thinking another war within the U.S. is forthcoming. only 1 problem.....1 side has 8 trillion bullets and the other side doesn't know what bathroom, to use.😁😁😁

----------

Rita Marley (02-03-2019)

----------


## Crunch

> Signs of Civil War brewing....
> with all the crap thats going on many people are thinking another war within the U.S. is forthcoming. only 1 problem.....1 side has 8 trillion bullets and the other side doesn't know what bathroom, to use.


Why did you post this in the jokes thread?

----------

Northern Rivers (02-06-2019)

----------


## drifter106

The woman announcer thinks she is reporting a NEWS flash...needless to say the studio technician who was behind this was fired.


https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q...53DA&FORM=VIRE

----------

Old Tex (02-08-2019)

----------


## Crunch

> The woman announcer thinks she is reporting a NEWS flash...needless to say the studio technician who was behind this was fired.
> 
> 
> https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q...53DA&FORM=VIRE


Your posts make no sense at all.
 @drifter106

----------


## Northern Rivers

@drifter106 

 :Weedsmoking:

----------

Crunch (02-06-2019)

----------


## Crunch

> @drifter106

----------


## Rita Marley

Q: What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

A: One will see you later, the other after a while.

----------

Ed D (02-15-2019)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cellphones. The wife was a romantic type, and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message, so she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her: "I'm using the bathroom. Please advise."

----------

drifter106 (02-08-2019),Ed D (02-15-2019)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

> Q: What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
> 
> A: One will see you later, the other after a while.


This is true!  :Smiley ROFLMAO:

----------


## drifter106

> Your posts make no sense at all.
>  @drifter106


meant for those who have an IQ over 20...sry :F Sorry:

----------


## Crunch

Teacher asks her class, "If there's 14 crows on a fence and you shoot 2 off, how many are left ?" One little boy says, "None, the shotgun scared them all away."  Teacher says, "That's not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you're thinking." 


 Boy says to teacher, "I have a question for you." "There's 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 is licking, 1 is sucking, 1 is biting. Which one is married?"  Teacher answers (slightly embarrassed), "I imagine it's the one sucking."  Boy says, "No, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way your thinking !"

----------

Dos Equis (02-17-2019),drifter106 (04-07-2019),Rita Marley (02-14-2019)

----------


## Coolwalker

I met an honest Democrat.  :Smiley ROFLMAO:

----------

Liberty Monkey (06-23-2019),nonsqtr (02-13-2019),Rickity Plumber (02-15-2019)

----------


## Crunch

> I met an honest Democrat.


quick, call Guiness...............

----------

Coolwalker (02-13-2019)

----------


## nonsqtr

> quick, call Guiness...............


On the other hand, this may be a psychiatric matter. Imagining honest Democrats is delusional, it sounds like there may be some underlying pathology.  :Wink:

----------

Dr. Felix Birdbiter (01-26-2020)

----------


## Dos Equis

> On the other hand, this may be a psychiatric matter. Imagining honest Democrats is delusional, it sounds like there may be some underlying pathology.


They have to tell the truth every now and then, otherwise, you would always know what the truth was when they lie.

----------


## Crunch

> They have to tell the truth every now and then, otherwise, you would always know what the truth was when they lie.


i.e. ' The Liar's Paradox'

----------


## Dan40

> I met an honest Democrat.


No you dint.

----------


## drifter106

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

"Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

----------

Dos Equis (02-15-2019),Rickity Plumber (02-15-2019),Rita Marley (03-02-2019)

----------


## Dos Equis

Guy: " Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant. We always use protection, so how is it possible?" 
Doctor: "Let me tell you a story. There was this hunter once who always carried a gun whenever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, and shot the lion, and it died! 

Guy: "Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the lion! 
Doctor:" Good! You understood the story! 
Next patient please!"

----------

drifter106 (03-02-2019),Ed D (02-15-2019)

----------


## Dos Equis

*Italian Tomato Garden* 

 An old Italian man lived in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato 
 garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only 
 son, Vincent, who used to help him was in prison. The old man wrote 
 a letter to his son describing his predicament. 

 Dear Vincent, 

 I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant 
 my tomato garden this year. I'm just too old to be digging up a garden 
 plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you 
 would be able to dig the plot for me. 

 Love, Dad
 A few days later he received a letter from his son: 
 Dear Dad, 

 Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies. 

 Love, Vinnie
 At 4:00 am the next morning, FBI Agents and local polce arrived and 
 dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized 
 to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another 
 letter from his son. 
 Dear Dad, 

 Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do 
 under the circumstances.

----------

Hillofbeans (03-08-2019)

----------


## jirqoadai

i need to interject.
the dirt would be very poor in nutrients because the good dirt would be either mixed with the poor dirt, 
or burried at a different level than the top layer. 
my apologies at being a buzz kill

----------


## Dr. Felix Birdbiter

_ BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT_




These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
*FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.*
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites! 
*
FREE PUPPIES*
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. 

*FREE PUPPIES.*
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


*COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.*
Also 1 gay bull for sale.


*JOINING NUDIST COLONY*!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.*
**
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .*
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.


**** And the WINNER is... ****


*FOR SALE BY OWNER.*
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. 
*
Statement of the Century* 
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?" 


_>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>_*
Children Are Quick**
______________________________ ______*










*TEACHER: Why are you late?**
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
______________________________ ______
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
______________________________ ____________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
______________________________ ______________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
______________________________ ____
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
______________________________ ____________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________________________ _________*





*______________________________**
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________ ________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.*










*(I want to adopt this kid!!!)**
______________________________ _____
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
______________________________ ____*

----------

drifter106 (03-02-2019),FirstGenCanadian (01-26-2020),Hillofbeans (03-02-2019),Rutabaga (02-18-2019)

----------


## Dr. Felix Birdbiter

> i need to interject.
> the dirt would be very poor in nutrients because the good dirt would be either mixed with the poor dirt, 
> or burried at a different level than the top layer. 
> my apologies at being a buzz kill


Why  is it your post never seem to make sense.  My apologies for being blunt

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

Bad joke:

Where do one-legged people eat?
"IHOP"....

----------

Dave37 (03-02-2019)

----------


## Dan40

> Bad joke:
> 
> Where do one-legged people eat?
> "IHOP"....


What do you call a woman with-

one leg?  Ilene.

A Chinese woman with one leg?  Irene.

A man with half legs?  Neal.

A man with no legs and no head?  Chester.

A man with no arms, no legs, no head and no torso???????????






Dick.

----------



----------


## Correction

*Between the 17th and 19th centuries, English Men Sold Their Wives Instead of Getting Divorced *

----------


## Dan40

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hiding under a pile of leaves?  Russel.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a box and his arms and legs are in the box with him?   Kit.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs that you throw in a ditch?  Phil.

----------


## ChemEngineer

> *TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
> HAROLD: A teacher
> ______________________________ ____*


A Democrat or a Leftist or Atheist

----------


## ChemEngineer

A lovely couple had a son who was born with nothing but a head.  But they loved him and doted on him.
For his sixteenth birthday, they put Head up on the table and gave him a wrapped box as a birthday gift, and said, 
"Would you like us to open it for you?"

He replied, "Oh all right, but it better not be another f****** hat."

----------


## Dos Equis

If ever attacked by a group of clowns, go for the juggler.

----------

Dan40 (03-08-2019),Rita Marley (03-19-2019)

----------


## Dan40

> if ever attacked by a group of clowns, go for the juggler.


groannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

----------


## drifter106

A lady is golfing and hits a man standing on the fairway.
He reaches down to his crotch, puts his hands between his legs, and falls to the ground in pain.
The lady rushes over and asks if she can help the pain as she is a doctor.
Reluctantly the man agrees. 
The lady gently moves his hands away, unzips his pants, and places her hands inside to massage him tenderly for a few minutes. 
She asks the man, "How does it feel?" The man replies, "It feels great, but I still think my thumb is broken."

----------

Captain Kirk! (03-29-2019),Coolwalker (03-18-2019),FirstGenCanadian (03-19-2019)

----------


## Crunch

Five year-old Johnny and his Dad were walking in the park, when Johnny spotted one dog humping another.



"Daddy", he asked, "What is that dog doing to the other one?"



"Well, Johnny", Dad replied, "The dog on the top is hurt and the one on the bottom is taking him to the doggy hospital"



"That figures", Johnny said, "You try to help someone out and you get screwed every time".

----------



----------


## HawkTheSlayer

"What is that sound?" a woman asked at our nature center.

"It's the frogs trilling for a mate," Patti, the naturalist, explained. "We have a pair in the science room. But since they've been together for so long, they no longer sing to each other."

The woman nodded sympathetically, "The trill is gone."

----------

Dave37 (03-19-2019)

----------


## Dos Equis

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. 

 He sat down at the bar next to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and stared up at the TV as the 10 o'clock news came on 

 The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building, preparing to jump. 

 Alexandria looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack said, "You know what, I bet he will" Alexandria replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!” 

Just as she placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. She was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money." 

 Jack replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." 

 Alexandria replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

----------

Captain Kirk! (03-29-2019),Hillofbeans (03-29-2019),Rita Marley (03-29-2019)

----------


## Captain Kirk!

Aoc.

nuke implosion.jpg

----------


## Rita Marley

Chinaman goes to the eye doctor. Doctor says I know your problem, you've got a cataract.

"No," said the Chinaman, "I got a Rincon Continento."

----------



----------


## drifter106

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term:




Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving.


As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that
if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there
is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.


With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the
volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature
and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.


This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.


2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.


So which is it?


If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into
account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over.


The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows
that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving
only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains
why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

----------

Dan40 (04-04-2019),FirstGenCanadian (04-23-2019)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

> Chinaman goes to the eye doctor. Doctor says I know your problem, you've got a cataract.
> 
> "No," said the Chinaman, "I got a Rincon Continento."


 :Smiley ROFLMAO:  I had to think about that.

----------

Rita Marley (04-05-2019)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

Q: What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet?

A: A desserter.

----------

Rita Marley (04-05-2019)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

A pastor awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard. He had no idea how it got there but knew he had to get rid of it. He called the sanitation department, the health department, and several other agencies, but no one seemed able to help him.

In desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and asked what could be done.

The mayor must have been having a bad day. "Why bother me?" he asked. "You're a preacher; it's your job to bury the dead."

The pastor lost his cool, "Yes," he snapped, "but I thought I should at least notify the next of kin."

----------

Crunch (04-05-2019),Dave37 (04-05-2019),drifter106 (04-07-2019)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

Billy and Willy were at Sunday school studying about Noah's ark. On the way home, Willy asked, "Do you think Noah did much fishing?"

"How could he?" said Billy. "He only had two worms

----------


## drifter106



----------

Captain Kirk! (04-12-2019),DeadEye (04-11-2019)

----------


## DeadEye

> 


 :Smiley ROFLMAO:

----------



----------


## Crunch

A police officer was sitting beside the road when he saw a car going by at a slow rate of speed. All of the other cars were passing and blowing the horns. The police officer decided to pull the car over and give them a warning. When he got up to the car he followed it for a short way and clocked it doing 40 mph. Since the speed limit was 70 he felt that they needed to speed up, so he pulled them over to talk to them. After they pulled off to the side of the road, and he was walking up to the car he noticed the car had five nuns in it. The youngest appeared to be driving and she looked to be in her 70’s.
As he came up to the car he asked if there was anything wrong.
NUN: No officer why?
OFFICER: I noticed you were going slow and I thought that something might be wrong.
NUN: Young man I know that I don’t have much experience driving in the job that I do, but I was doing the speed limit, 40 mph.
OFFICER: Ma’am that was the route number not the speed limit.
NUN: Oh I am very sorry I thought that those signs were the speed limit signs.
The officer looked in the car and noticed the other 4 nuns were shaking like leaves. The officer asked if the other nuns were ok.
The driver said that they would be after a little while, because she had just come off route 119 a couple of miles back.

----------

DeadEye (04-12-2019),drifter106 (04-13-2019),Rita Marley (04-16-2019)

----------


## DeadEye

:Smiley ROFLMAO:

----------

FirstGenCanadian (05-05-2019)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

What does the Dentist of the Year get?

A little plaque.

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

A teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. 
After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. 
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand. 
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked. 
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. 
"You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

----------

DeadEye (04-23-2019),drifter106 (04-29-2019),Rita Marley (04-23-2019)

----------


## DeadEye

> A teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. 
> After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. 
> Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand. 
> "How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked. 
> "We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. 
> "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."


 :Smiley ROFLMAO:

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

----------

drifter106 (04-29-2019)

----------


## drifter106

On his 74th birthday, my next-door neighbor got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on an Indian reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say 1-2-3. When you do, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, How do I stop the medicine from working?

Your partner must say 1-2-3-4, the medicine man responded, but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.

The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, 1-2-3! Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked What was the 1-2-3 for?

And that, boys & girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.

----------

DeadEye (05-06-2019),Dos Equis (05-05-2019)

----------


## FirstGenCanadian

6898130F-5623-417D-A832-94A1A6565F10.jpeg

----------

Dos Equis (05-05-2019)

----------


## Dos Equis

On his 74th birthday, my next-door neighbor got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on an Indian reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. 

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say 1-2-3. When you do, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want. 

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, How do I stop the medicine from working? 

Your partner must say 1-2-3-4, the medicine man responded, but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon. 

The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, 1-2-3! Immediately, he was the manliest of men. 

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked What was the 1-2-3 for?

----------

nonsqtr (05-15-2019)

----------


## Dos Equis

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:  
'Talking Dog For Sale ' 
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.  
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.  
I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.  
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'  
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...  
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'  
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back to the house and asks the owner what he wants for the dog 
 'Ten dollars,' the guy says.  
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 
'Because he's a Bull$#itter. He's never been out of the yard. . . . .

----------

drifter106 (05-24-2019),nonsqtr (05-15-2019)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

Two of my neighbors came over to tell me they had some news.
I said, "Well, give it to me straight".

They asked me if I wanted the bad news or the good news first. I said, "give me the bad news first".

Vieux T-Merde then told me they found my neighbor's wife floatin' face down in da by-you. 
I said, "Mai's oh no, c'est pas Bon, avec la grimace".

I asked, "Mai's whus da good news"?
T-merde il a dit ca (said that) , "Hawk, we caught 2 dozen blue crabs off of her. We gunna run her again, tomorrow".  :Smiley ROFLMAO: 

 @Madison @MrMike @Rickity Plumber @Kris P Bacon

----------

Daily Bread (06-01-2019),Dos Equis (05-24-2019),FirstGenCanadian (05-18-2019),Kris P Bacon (05-18-2019),Madison (05-18-2019),MrMike (05-18-2019),Rickity Plumber (05-18-2019)

----------


## Madison

> Two of my neighbors came over to tell me they had some news.
> I said, "Well, give it to me straight".
> 
> They asked me if I wanted the bad news or the good news first. I said, "give me the bad news first".
> 
> Vieux T-Merde then told me they found my neighbor's wife floatin' face down in da by-you. 
> I said, "Mai's oh no, c'est pas Bon, avec la grimace".
> 
> I asked, "Mai's whus da good news"?
> ...


 :Smiley ROFLMAO:

----------



----------


## Rickity Plumber

> Two of my neighbors came over to tell me they had some news.
> I said, "Well, give it to me straight".
> 
> They asked me if I wanted the bad news or the good news first. I said, "give me the bad news first".
> 
> Vieux T-Merde then told me they found my neighbor's wife floatin' face down in da by-you. 
> I said, "Mai's oh no, c'est pas Bon, avec la grimace".
> 
> I asked, "Mai's whus da good news"?
> ...


Better than a chicken neck on a string!

----------

FirstGenCanadian (05-18-2019)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

----------

Daily Bread (06-01-2019),drifter106 (05-24-2019)

----------


## drifter106

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived a blind little bunny and a blind little snake.One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit."Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny.""Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a politician, an attorney, or possibly someone in upper management.

----------

Daily Bread (06-01-2019),FirstGenCanadian (08-12-2019)

----------


## drifter106

You probably have seen these before, but they are still priceless!
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. 


Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.  You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.  We need it up, you need it down.  You don't hear us complaining        about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.  Let it be...
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.  And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
   Let us be clear on this one:  Subtle hints do not work!  Strong hints do not work!  Obvious hints do not work!  Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.  In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days..
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are...Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something. or tell us how you want it done, not both.  If you already know best how to do it, just do it    
    yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.  Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We        have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.  We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the     hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear .
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.

----------

FirstGenCanadian (08-12-2019)

----------


## jirqoadai

2. you wanna know why your tits itch when you wear that one particular bra?
no you dont

----------


## Calypso Jones

> You probably have seen these before, but they are still priceless!
> We always hear "the rules" from the female side. 
> 
> 
> Now here are the rules from the male side.
> These are our rules!
> Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
> 
> 1. Men ARE not mind readers.
> ...


.       I could have used thi.s way earlier rather than having to learn it on my own

----------

drifter106 (05-26-2019)

----------


## drifter106

> .       I could have used thi.s way earlier rather than having to learn it on my own


understand where you are coming from! :Headbang:

----------


## drifter106

A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy,

"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,

"Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,

"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man,

"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,

"Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy.

"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...

Now give me back my dog."

----------

Daily Bread (06-01-2019),Dos Equis (06-14-2019),jirqoadai (02-06-2020)

----------


## drifter106

Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you. Regards, Alan. 


THE ACTIONS Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message from his neighbor: 


THE SECOND MESSAGE Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out anyway, & that you noticed that darned Autocorrect changed 'Wi-Fi' To 'Wife'. Technology hey? Regards, Alan.

----------

Daily Bread (06-01-2019),Dos Equis (06-14-2019),FirstGenCanadian (08-12-2019),jirqoadai (02-06-2020)

----------


## drifter106

There were two nuns.. 
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). 
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. 
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for  
The past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. 
SL: It's logical. He wants to sexually attack us. 
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes  
at the most! What can we do? 
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. 
SM: It's not working. 
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only  
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. 
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. 
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split You go that way and  
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. 
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. 
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is  
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. 
Then Sister Logical arrives. 
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!  
Tell me what happened! 
SL: The only logical thing happened.  
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me... 
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? 
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run  
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. 
SM: And? 
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me. 
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do? 
SL: The only logical thing to do.  
I lifted my dress up. 
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do? 
SL: The only logical thing to do.  
He pulled down his pants. 
SM: Oh, no! What happened then? 
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? 
A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man  
with his pants down. 
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, 
Say two HAIL MARY"S!

----------

Daily Bread (06-01-2019)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the ownerreplied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him itwould, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor..."

----------

Daily Bread (06-01-2019),drifter106 (06-01-2019),Northern Rivers (06-01-2019)

----------


## Northern Rivers

There was this big fat guy that lived in Tel Aviv. Saul Fitzpatrick. Mom's Israeli...Dad's a Scott. Anyway...being that rotund...he had a heck of a time trying to buy clothes so he started making them, himself. He was actually quite good and soon...had his own store: "One Size Fitz Saul".

 :Smiley20:

----------

Daily Bread (06-01-2019),drifter106 (06-01-2019),Rita Marley (06-01-2019)

----------


## Daily Bread

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. 
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." 

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson. 

"And what do you deduce from that?" 

Watson ponders for a minute. 

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" 

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

----------

DeadEye (06-01-2019),drifter106 (06-01-2019),FirstGenCanadian (08-12-2019)

----------


## Dos Equis

Little Akio in History Class.................. 

The teacher said...Let's begin by reviewing some history.  Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death!'?  
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.   

"Very good!  "Who said:  'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth!'?"  
Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."  

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing.  "Let's try one a bit more difficult.   
"Who said, 'Ask not what your Country can do for you, but what you can do for your Country'?"  
Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961. 


"The teacher snapped at her class!  "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves.  Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."  

She hears a loud whisper:  "Screw the Japs."  
"Who said that?  I want to know right now," she angrily demanded.   
Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945"  

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."  
The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"  
Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." 

Now furious, the same student yells, "Suck this!" Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher.  "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"  

The teacher fainted.  As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, *"Damn, we’re screwed."  
Little Akio said quietly, "Chuck Schumer when Trump got elected in 2016."

----------

Daily Bread (08-12-2019),drifter106 (06-15-2019),FirstGenCanadian (08-12-2019),Rutabaga (07-04-2019)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

> Little Akio in History Class.................. 
> 
> The teacher said...Let's begin by reviewing some history.  Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death!'?  
> She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.   
> 
> "Very good!  "Who said:  'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth!'?"  
> Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."  
> 
> "Excellent!" said the teacher continuing.  "Let's try one a bit more difficult.   
> ...


Best one I've heard in a while.  :Thumbsup20:

----------


## Dos Equis

Proof God is a conservative

Ecclesiastes 10:2 The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left.

----------

drifter106 (10-05-2019),Hillofbeans (07-04-2019),Lone Gunman (08-12-2019),Northern Rivers (06-23-2019),Rutabaga (07-04-2019)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?" "Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!" "Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!" "Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"

----------

drifter106 (07-04-2019),Lone Gunman (08-12-2019),Rutabaga (07-04-2019)

----------


## drifter106

Ex president goes to Heaven....


Having arrived at the gates of Heaven, Barack Hussein
Obama meets a man with a beard. “Are you Mohammed?” he asks. 
“No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up.” Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, “Are you Mohammed?” 
“Why no,” he answers, “I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still.”
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again. He discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, “Are you Mohammed? 
“No, I am Jesus, the Christ; you will find Mohammed higher up.” 
Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher. Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question: “Are you Mohammed?” he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. “No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?” 
Obama says, “Yes please!” 
As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out: "Yo, Mohammed, two coffees!"

----------

Dos Equis (08-14-2019),FirstGenCanadian (08-12-2019),jirqoadai (02-06-2020),Lone Gunman (08-12-2019),Rutabaga (07-04-2019)

----------


## drifter106

Knock-Knock


A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed at the next worship service, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10' Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

----------

FirstGenCanadian (08-12-2019),jirqoadai (02-06-2020),Lone Gunman (08-12-2019),Rutabaga (07-04-2019)

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## Rutabaga

> Knock-Knock
> 
> 
> A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
> 
> When the offering was processed at the next worship service, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10' Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'


 :Smiley ROFLMAO:

----------


## Rutabaga

:Smiley ROFLMAO: 


> Ex president goes to Heaven....
> 
> 
> Having arrived at the gates of Heaven, Barack Hussein
> Obama meets a man with a beard. “Are you Mohammed?” he asks. 
> “No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up.” Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
> Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, “Are you Mohammed?” 
> “Why no,” he answers, “I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still.”
> Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again. He discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, “Are you Mohammed? 
> ...

----------


## Rutabaga

:Smiley ROFLMAO: 


> Little Akio in History Class.................. 
> 
> The teacher said...Let's begin by reviewing some history.  Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death!'?  
> She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.   
> 
> "Very good!  "Who said:  'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth!'?"  
> Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."  
> 
> "Excellent!" said the teacher continuing.  "Let's try one a bit more difficult.   
> ...

----------


## Crunch

*Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.*
*One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew  became worried, but the Captain was calm.*
*He bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"*
*The First Mate quickly got the Captain's red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated.*
*Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain,  calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on!* 
*The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.*
*Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an  ensign looked at the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"*
*The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man.*
*As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.*
*The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants!!!'*

----------

drifter106 (10-05-2019),FirstGenCanadian (08-12-2019),jirqoadai (02-06-2020),Lone Gunman (08-12-2019)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry. The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied that there were six. The judge said, "Then I will give you six days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband stood up, and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?"The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."


 :Smiley ROFLMAO:

----------

Lone Gunman (08-12-2019)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

:Smiley ROFLMAO:

----------

Daily Bread (08-12-2019),drifter106 (11-09-2019),Lone Gunman (08-12-2019),MisterVeritis (11-12-2019),wbslws (11-30-2019)

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## Daily Bread

Thanks Hawk  . Prolly the first time I smiled all day. :Thumbsup20:

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Lone Gunman (08-12-2019)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

@Daily Bread, this one always cracks me up.

...can you tell me where a female, lady, woman's YET is located?... :Smiley ROFLMAO:

----------

Daily Bread (08-12-2019),drifter106 (10-05-2019),Lone Gunman (08-12-2019)

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## Daily Bread

:Smiley ROFLMAO:

----------

Lone Gunman (08-12-2019)

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## Daily Bread

A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen."

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DLLS (08-30-2019),drifter106 (10-05-2019),Hillofbeans (08-30-2019),jirqoadai (02-06-2020),Lone Gunman (08-12-2019)

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## HawkTheSlayer

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was the pharmacist!"

----------

Daily Bread (08-30-2019),DLLS (08-30-2019),drifter106 (10-05-2019)

----------


## Daily Bread

IMG_5004.jpeg

----------



----------


## HawkTheSlayer

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!" After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the windowand yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!" And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!" The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US $300. The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!" There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

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Daily Bread (09-08-2019)

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## drifter106

Jewish Quarterback...


The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. 
Then one night while watching news he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he finds him, brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.
And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants,
all the young man wants is to call his mother.
Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are no longer my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest
sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us.
The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week,
and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!”

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jirqoadai (02-06-2020)

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## HawkTheSlayer

> Jewish Quarterback...
> 
> 
> The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. 
> Then one night while watching news he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
> KABOOM!
> Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
> BULLS-EYE!
> "I've got to get this guy!" "He has the perfect arm!"
> ...


 :Smiley ROFLMAO:

----------


## darroll

*THE BOTTLE OF WINE**

**For  all of you who are married, were married, wish you were married or wish  you were not married, this is something to smile about the next time  you  see a bottle of wine.*


 *Fred  was driving home from one of his business trips, in Northern Arizona,  when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.**As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.**With a silent nod of thanks, the Indian got into the car.**Resuming  the journey, Fred tried - in vain - to make a bit of small talk with  the Navajo man.  The old man just sat silently, looking intently at  everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a  brown bag on the seat next to Fred.*
 *"What in bag?"- asked the old man.*
 *Fred looked down at the brown bag and said:  "It's a bottle of wine.  I got it for my wife." * 
 *The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two.  Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said: "Good trade!"*

----------

drifter106 (11-09-2019),jirqoadai (02-06-2020),Lone Gunman (11-08-2019),MisterVeritis (10-09-2019),Northern Rivers (11-07-2019),wbslws (11-12-2019)

----------


## Dr. Felix Birdbiter

My exwife was an excellent housekeeper.  At the divorce she got to keep both the main and vacation house.

----------

darroll (11-09-2019),drifter106 (11-09-2019),Lone Gunman (11-08-2019),MisterVeritis (10-09-2019),Northern Rivers (11-07-2019)

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## FirstGenCanadian

HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS (Actual writings from hospital charts)
1 . The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8 The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. (OMG! that is some examination)
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22 The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities!!

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jirqoadai (02-06-2020),Lone Gunman (11-08-2019)

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## drifter106

A Rabbi in the Confessional Booth.


A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
*Priest and Rabbi*​

The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. After a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."


A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."


The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.


A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."

----------

darroll (11-07-2019),jirqoadai (02-06-2020),Lone Gunman (11-08-2019)

----------


## Dan40

Guy wearing a baseball cap that read:

MY WIFE RAN OFF WITH MY BEST FRIEND AND I SURE DO MISS HIM.

----------

darroll (11-07-2019),drifter106 (11-09-2019),Lone Gunman (11-08-2019),Northern Rivers (11-07-2019),wbslws (11-12-2019)

----------


## Northern Rivers

> Guy wearing a baseball cap that read:
> 
> MY WIFE RAN OFF WITH MY BEST FRIEND AND I SURE DO MISS HIM.


Great lyrics...same joke, too!

----------


## Northern Rivers

> My exwife was an excellent housekeeper.  At the divorce she got to keep both the main and vacation house.


Commiserations... :Angry20:

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

People say that there is no difference between "finished" and "complete". I say there is... Marry the right person, and you're "complete". Marry the wrong person and you're "finished".

----------

FirstGenCanadian (12-18-2019),wbslws (11-12-2019)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

During the initial space flights, Nasa discovered that biro pens didn't work under zero gravity conditions. To beat the problem, Nasa spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space. The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man. The Russians used a pencil.

----------

wbslws (11-12-2019)

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## HawkTheSlayer

At an Irish wedding, men were asked to stand up to the one person that has made your life worth living... The bartender was almost crushed to death.

----------

wbslws (11-12-2019)

----------


## patrickt

The only notable accomplishment for Hillary Clinton is going eight years as the only woman in Washington DC who wouldn't give Bill Clinton a blowjob.

Barack Obama loves America so much that he helped Iran on the path to nuclear weapons, gave Hamas taxpayer funds for rockets to fire into Israel, used taxpayer money to interfere with Israel's election, partnered with countries whose leaders hate America such as Cuba, Venezuela, Pakistan, France, Iran, and China. His made enemies of Columbia, Honduras, England, Israel, and Egypt. That's says a lot when you consider Democrats adore him.

Bill Clinton died and went to heaven. St. Peter looked at the big book and said, "Oh, we have some problems here."
"What?"
"Well, according to this book, you abused women your entire life."
"Are you a lawyer, St. Peter?"
"No, actually I'm a fisherman."
"Well, whether I abused women or not depends on your definition of abused, doesn't it?"
"I suppose so."
"But, you sold pardons to unrepentant criminals."
"That depends on your definition of sold, doesn't it?"
"Well, you took an oath on the Lord to tell the truth and then lied."
"That depends on your definition of lied."

St. Peter said, "Have a seat. I need to run this by the boss." While he was gone, Bill Clinton noticed that people passing had red or white tickets. The ones with red tickets were crying and the ones with white tickets were happy. He saw St. Peter returning holding a red ticket.

"St. Peter, am I going to hell?"
"Well, that depends on your definition of hell, doesn't it?"

With Bill Clinton, Barack Obama, and Franklin Roosevelt in hell, they could play bridge if they could get Vladimir Lenin to talk to them. He won't because he thinks those three gave communism a bad name.

Remembering the campaign for president of John Kerry, do you know what John Kerry, Sadaam Hussein, and Jerry Lewis all have in common? The French love them.

A mole in the White House sent a message to Adam Schiff saying he would be meeting him. Adam Schiff told the messenger, "I'll keep both eyes out for him."

Adam Schiff's biggest problem is one shared by Hillary Clinton. Who the hell is he going to blame for the mess he's gotten himself into?

Nancy Pelosi is quitting Congress and returning to something she always wanted to do. She was beat out for the title, "Miss Lube Rack" and wants to take another run at it.

My neighbor has a purse that says, "Fuck Trump," so I showed her my wallet that says, "Fuck Bill's dick." It worked. She won't talk to me now.

A friend of mine said, "I've got a problem, Pat. I grounded my daughter for a month when she came home three hours late from a date and she and my wife are both giving me the silent treatment."
"What's the problem?"
"I don't know if I can continue to pretend it upsets me."

I've been considering writing a book on how to get women to quit talking to you.
"Honey, do these pants make my butt look big?"
"Don't blame the pants."

Sally said, "Carol, your husband doesn't have any balls."
"Of course, he does. Let me get the key to the desk and I'll show them to you."

----------

Lone Gunman (01-10-2020)

----------


## neil

Democrats.

----------

Lone Gunman (01-10-2020)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

The Antartian reported for her university final examination which consisted of "yes/no" type questions. She took her seat in the  examination hall and stared at the question paper for five minutes. In a fit of inspiration, she took her purse out, removed a coin and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she was all done, whereas the rest of the class was still sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she was seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approached her and asked what was going on. Her reply was, "I finished the exam in half and hour, but I'm rechecking my answers."

----------

Lone Gunman (01-10-2020)

----------


## Dan40

Taylor's "testimony."  Taylor was told by a 2nd party that he heard from  a 3rd party that the 3rd party overheard a 4th party on a phone with a  5th party that was ASSUMED to be  Trump.............................................

----------

FirstGenCanadian (12-18-2019),Lone Gunman (01-10-2020)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you willever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

----------

FirstGenCanadian (11-30-2019),Lone Gunman (01-10-2020)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer



----------

Lone Gunman (01-10-2020)

----------


## FirstGenCanadian

A cowboy told his grandson 
the secret to a long life.  He 
said, “You gotta sprinkle a 
little gun powder on your 
oatmeal, see?  If you do, you’ll 
live to a ripe old age.”  

So the young cowboy did this 
religiously everyday, and sure enough, 
lived to the nice ripe old age of 
96.  When he died he left behind 
4 children, 8 grandchildren, 
15 great-grandchildren...

and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

----------

Lone Gunman (01-10-2020)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer



----------

Lone Gunman (01-10-2020)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

The engineer found himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked him up in the book, and found that he was destined for the other place. The engineer protested that this must be a mistake, and that he had lived a righteous life, going to church every week, being faithful to his wife etc. to no avail.About 6 weeks later God reviews the lists and realizes that the engineer has been sent to the wrong place. So he rings up Lucifer and demands that the engineer be sent up. Lucifer says "NO WAY. This guy was the best thing to ever happen here. He's got the AC working, we have running water and cable now too, and next week he thinks we will get internet access and an ice cream machine." God is pissed and yelling says "I'll sue". Lucifer says "ya okay, but where are you going to get a lawyer?"

----------

FirstGenCanadian (12-18-2019),Lone Gunman (01-10-2020)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

An old couple were sitting up in bed.    Suddenly he starts to touch her arm, then moved down to her waist, to her hips and down her leg.   Then he moved over and did the same on the other side and then stopped.   Aroused by this his wife asked "Honey,why did you stop?" and he replied "Because I finally found the remote."

----------

Lone Gunman (01-10-2020)

----------


## wbslws

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.

Over a double latte, the Greek mentions We built the Pantheon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo."

Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.

But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.

Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.

Knowing that hes about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!

True enough said the Irishman, but it was the Irish who got women involved.

----------

Dos Equis (01-16-2020),drifter106 (12-17-2019),jirqoadai (02-06-2020),Lone Gunman (01-10-2020),Rickity Plumber (12-16-2019)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer



----------

Lone Gunman (01-10-2020)

----------


## Creepy Uncle Joe

> What do you call a woman with-
> 
> one leg?  Ilene.
> 
> A Chinese woman with one leg?  Irene.


When she loses the other leg?  Consuelo

----------


## Creepy Uncle Joe



----------

drifter106 (12-18-2019),Lone Gunman (01-10-2020),Rickity Plumber (12-16-2019)

----------


## drifter106

Pregnant...


Catherine, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..." 

"I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." 

"No, that's not it," Catherine confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

----------

Dos Equis (01-16-2020),jirqoadai (02-06-2020),Lone Gunman (01-10-2020),MisterVeritis (12-18-2019),wbslws (12-20-2019)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

Moe and Sam, who were both 90 years old, loved baseball, and they had their entire life. One day, they were sitting together on a bench in their neighborhood when Moe turns to Sam and says:"Will you promise me something? Promise me that if you die first and go to heaven, you'll come back and tell if there's baseball there."Sam agreed, and made Moe promise the same. 3 months later, Sam died, and the next week Moe woke up in his sleep with someone calling his name."Who's there?" he called out."Moe! It's me Sam!""Sam! It's so good to hear you! How's heaven?" Moe asked."It's great, but I've some news, some good and some bad" Sam told him."Well tell me the good news first" Moe replied."Ok, the good news is that, there is baseball in heaven.""That's great." Moe exclaimed, "What's the bad news?""Well, the bad news is that I was reading the lineup, and you're pitching on Friday."

----------

Abbey (02-06-2020),Dos Equis (01-16-2020),drifter106 (12-19-2019),Lone Gunman (01-10-2020),wbslws (12-20-2019)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered."On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you" Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?""Couple of minutes ago."

----------

FirstGenCanadian (01-11-2020),Lone Gunman (01-10-2020),wbslws (12-20-2019)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer



----------

Lone Gunman (01-10-2020)

----------


## Dos Equis

Democrats are like Christmas lights.   They are costly, they hang together, half of them don't work, and none of them are particularly bright.

----------

jirqoadai (02-06-2020),Lone Gunman (01-10-2020),Northern Rivers (12-22-2019),wbslws (12-22-2019)

----------


## FirstGenCanadian

A farmer from Wisconsin goes to Hawaii to escape the cold.  He falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn.

He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, the Doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, rather astounded, says, "What good will the Viagra do for him, Doctor?"

The Doctor replies, " It'll keep the sheets of his legs."

----------

jirqoadai (02-06-2020),Lone Gunman (01-10-2020)

----------


## Old Ridge Runner

Why aren't chickens permitted in church?

Because they use fowl language.

----------

jirqoadai (02-06-2020),Lone Gunman (01-11-2020),Northern Rivers (02-06-2020),wbslws (01-11-2020)

----------


## drifter106

Texas farmer...

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

----------

jirqoadai (02-06-2020),Old Ridge Runner (02-06-2020),wbslws (01-21-2020)

----------


## drifter106

Boat ramp scam alert!! 

Two very sexy looking blonde girls come over to your truck while you are getting the boat out of the water.
They both start cleaning your boat with sponge and soapy water, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy dresses! It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say no thanks and instead ask you for a ride to the Chevron a couple of miles down the road so they can get smokes and a cold drink. You agree and they get in the backseat.
Then on the way, they pull their dresses down . Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen January 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, and three times yesterday!!

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Walmart sells wallets for only $3

----------

Old Ridge Runner (02-06-2020),wbslws (01-26-2020)

----------


## drifter106

Defective condoms..



Husband: Why are the defective condoms lying
On the sofa..?

Wife: What..??
Where..??


Wife goes to find them and comes back
Angrily saying:

'I will slap you silly, if you don't stop calling our children-
DEFECTIVE CONDOMS'.

----------



----------


## Northern Rivers

> Texas farmer...
> 
> A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
> Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
> The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
> The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?


That joke doesn't work here. Our states are HUGE...

Just sayin'...

----------

drifter106 (02-06-2020)

----------


## nonsqtr

> Boat ramp scam alert!! 
> 
> Two very sexy looking blonde girls come over to your truck while you are getting the boat out of the water.
> They both start cleaning your boat with sponge and soapy water, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy dresses! It is impossible not to look.
> 
> When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say no thanks and instead ask you for a ride to the Chevron a couple of miles down the road so they can get smokes and a cold drink. You agree and they get in the backseat.
> Then on the way, they pull their dresses down . Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
> I had my wallet stolen January 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, and three times yesterday!!
> 
> ...


Let me guess - the chicks are in the wallet business.

(Chicks are smart).

 :Wink:

----------

drifter106 (02-06-2020)

----------


## Dos Equis

Little Johnny was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine.





His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, What are you doing?"


The little boy answered, Im doing my math homework.

And this is how your teacher taught you to do it? the mother asked.

Yes, he answered.

Infuriated, the mother called Little Johnnys teacher the next day and said, What are you teaching my son in class?





The teacher replied, Right now, we are learning addition.

The mother asked, And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, What I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which is four.

----------

drifter106 (02-06-2020),wbslws (02-06-2020)

----------


## Dos Equis

A father who is very much concerned about his sons bad grades in math decides to register him at a Catholic school.

After his first term there, the son brings home his report card: hes getting As in math.

The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know: Why are your math grades suddenly so good?

You know, the son explains, when I walked into the classroom the first day, and I saw that guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew one thing: This place means business!

----------

Captain Kirk! (02-06-2020),drifter106 (02-06-2020),wbslws (02-06-2020)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

@MrMike

----------

Hillofbeans (02-06-2020),MrMike (02-06-2020)

----------


## Canis Minor

Q-What goes well with the Corona virus?

A-Lyme disease.

----------

wbslws (02-16-2020)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

> Q-What goes well with the Corona virus?
> 
> A-Lyme disease.


 :Smiley ROFLMAO:  Good one.

----------


## MrMike

> @MrMike


greatness!

----------



----------


## Canis Minor

Group of protesters heard chanting outside a physics research lab:

”What do we want”....”Time Travel”

”When do we want it”....”Irrelevant”

----------

Captain Kirk! (02-09-2020),wbslws (02-16-2020)

----------


## drifter106

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS???? 


A drunk man who smelled like beer, sat down on a subway next to a priest. 
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, 
and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. 


He opened his newspaper and began reading. 
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 
'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' 


The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, 
being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, 
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.' 


The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' 
Then returned to his paper. 


The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. 
I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?' 


The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that
the Pope does.' 
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer

----------

Hillofbeans (02-17-2020),wbslws (02-16-2020)

----------


## wbslws



----------

Dos Equis (02-17-2020),drifter106 (02-17-2020)

----------


## drifter106

Woman: Do you drink beer? 
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ranger?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No
Man: What color is your Ranger?

----------


## drifter106

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was Onestone. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more. 

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. 

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! 

What is the moral of this story? 

You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

----------

Hillofbeans (02-17-2020),jirqoadai (03-25-2020),wbslws (02-20-2020)

----------


## wbslws

One Liners

1.Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

2.I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.


3.I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.


4.My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.


5.I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.


6.My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.


7.Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.


8.A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says “They're right behind you!”


9.The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.


10.Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.


11.When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.


12.My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange” I said: “No it doesn't”


13.What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.


14.What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.


15.My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.


16.I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.


17.Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.


18.I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.


19.Whatdya call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.


20.A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.


21.I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.


22.What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


23.Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.


24.Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired!


25.Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.


26.My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.


27.Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.


28.When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream?


29.As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.


30.How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.


31.And the lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life”. John came fifth and won a toaster.


32.What did the traffic light say to the car? Don’t look! I’m about to change.


33.I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!


34.What did one hat say to the other? You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.


35.Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish.


36.Two cows are standing in a field. One cow says “Did you hear about that outbreak of mad cow disease? It makes cows go completely insane!”. The other cow replies “Good thing I'm a helicopter”.


37.What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.


38.What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato whilst on a family walk? Ketchup.


39.Why is there a fence around a cemetery? People are dying to get in.


40.Did you hear about the kidnapping in the park? They woke him up


41.How does Darth Vader like his toast? On the dark side.


42.When will the little snake arrive? I don't know but he won't be long...


43.Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


44.What has three letters and starts with gas. A Car.


45.How do you get an astronaut's baby to sleep? You rocket!


46.I think i would like a job cleaning mirrors, it's just something I could really see myself doing.


47.Why did it take so long for the pirates to learn the Alphabet? They got stuck at C.


48.I took the shell off my racing snail thinking it would make him go faster, if anything it made him more sluggish.


49.Somebody stole my Microsoft office and they're going to pay - you have my Word.


50.Just remember - you never really completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.

----------

drifter106 (02-20-2020),jirqoadai (03-25-2020),Old Tex (05-03-2020)

----------


## Dos Equis

So it turns out a friend of mine believes the earth is flat.  I could hardly believe that about them, so I decided it was time to have an intervention of sorts.  I grabbed them by the shoulders, looked them in the eye and said, "There is nothing to fear except sphere itself!"

----------



----------


## Dos Equis

So it turns out a friend of mine believes the earth is flat.  I could hardly believe that about them, so I decided it was time to have an intervention of sorts.  I grabbed them by the shoulders, looked them in the eye and said, "There is nothing to fear except sphere itself!"

----------

wbslws (02-25-2020)

----------


## wbslws

Southern Boys Will Never Say


30. When I retire, I'm movin' North.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken with a slice of lime.
26. We don't keep no guns in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits, grits, and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a rip who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too dang big.
11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
9. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
8. I've got two cases of Blue Moon iced down for the Super Bowl.
7. Checkmate!
6. She's too young to be wearing that bikini.
5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
4. I don't have a favorite football team.
3. "Youse Guys"
2. Those cutoffs ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
And the Number One Thing That You Will Never Hear a Southern Boy Say: 1. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving a whole busload of us down to help in the Elizabeth Warren Campaign.

----------

QuaseMarco (03-25-2020)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer

@Madison, you want to go to duh fais-do-do avec moi?

----------

Madison (03-01-2020)

----------


## QuaseMarco

Hillary Clinton tests negative..........................................  for President of the United States...

----------

Hillofbeans (03-26-2020),wbslws (03-25-2020)

----------


## drifter106

4 Husbands
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(Wait for it)

She smiled and explained,

"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

----------

Dan40 (03-26-2020),jirqoadai (03-26-2020),wbslws (03-28-2020)

----------


## QuaseMarco

BREAKING NEWS:

Satan just called.  He said he wished we would all stop telling Hillary to go to hell....He doesn’t want her.

----------

wbslws (03-28-2020)

----------


## Dos Equis

The Rules for Covid;

1. Basically, you can't leave the house for any reason, but if you have to, then you can.

2. Masks are useless, but maybe you have to wear one, it can save you, it is useless, but maybe it is mandatory as well.

3. Stores are closed, except those that are open.

4. You should not go to hospitals unless you have to go there. Same applies to doctors, you should only go there in case of emergency, provided you are not too sick.

5. This virus is deadly but still not too scary, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster.

6. Gloves won't help, but they can still help.

7. Everyone needs to stay HOME, but it's important to GO OUT.

8. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarket, but there are many things missing when you go there in the evening, but not in the morning. Sometimes.

9. The virus has no effect on children except those it affects.

10. Animals are not affected, but there is still a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there

11. You will have many symptoms when you are sick, but you can also get sick without symptoms, have symptoms without being sick, or be contagious without having symptoms. Oh, my..

12. In order not to get sick, you have to eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand and it's better not to go out, well, but no

13. It's better to get some fresh air, but you get looked at very wrong when you get some fresh air, and most importantly, you don't go to parks or walk. But dont sit down, except that you can do that now if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant (but not too old).

14. You can't go to retirement homes, but you have to take care of the elderly and bring food and medication.

15. If you are sick, you can't go out, but you can go to the pharmacy.

16. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house, which may have been prepared by people who didn't wear masks or gloves. But you have to have your groceries decontaminated outside for 3 hours. Pizza too?

17. Every disturbing article or disturbing interview starts with " I don't want to trigger panic, but"

18. You can't see your older mother or grandmother, but you can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver.

19. You can walk around with a friend but not with your family if they don't live under the same roof.

20. You are safe if you maintain the appropriate social distance, but you cant go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance.

21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours, no, four, no, six, no, we didn't say hours, maybe days? But it takes a damp environment. Oh no, not necessarily.

22. The virus stays in the air - well no, or yes, maybe, especially in a closed room, in one hour a sick person can infect ten, so if it falls, all our children were already infected at school before it was closed. But remember, if you stay at the recommended social distance, however in certain circumstances you should maintain a greater distance, which, studies show, the virus can travel further, maybe.

23. We count the number of deaths but we don't know how many people are infected as we have only tested so far those who were "almost dead" to find out if that's what they will die of

24. We have no treatment, except that there may be one that apparently is not dangerous unless you take too much (which is the case with all medications).

25. We should stay locked up until the virus disappears, but it will only disappear if we achieve collective immunity, so when it circulates but we must no longer be locked up for that?

----------

Hillofbeans (04-19-2020),Nutsplitter (04-19-2020)

----------


## HawkTheSlayer



----------


## Dos Equis

The Devil went
Down to Walmart,
He was looking for
a roll to steal.  He
was in a bind, while,
clenching his behind,
He was willing to make,
a deal.

----------



----------


## Dos Equis

I grew up with Bob Hope, Steve Jobs, and Johnny Cash.

Now there is no hope, no jobs, and no cash.

----------



----------


## Dos Equis

The governor told me that to go to the store all I had to do was wear a mask. 


 To make a long story short, they lied, everyone else had cloths on and I still got arrested.

----------



----------


## HawkTheSlayer



----------


## wbslws

*Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.*

*The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,* 
*"I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.*
*We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."*

*"Well," said the big gator, "what have you been eating?"*

*"Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator.*

*"Hmm.....Well, where do you catch them?"*

*"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."*

*"Same here. Hmm.... How do you catch them?"*

*"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.*
*Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!"*

*"Same here." says the big gator. "Do you eat Democrats or Republicans?"*

*"I eat the Democrats" says the little guy.*

*"Ah!" says the big gator. "I think I see your problem.* 
*You're not getting any real nourishment.*
*You see, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Democrat,* 
*there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.*

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Call_me_Ishmael (10-05-2020),Lone Gunman (07-22-2022)

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## Big Wheeler

Covid 19 humour.
Remember to help people in this time of need. My friend is a dwarf and struggling to put food on the table.

Your shortness of breath may not be caused by the corona virus.  It could be because you're a fat bastard.

My wife and kids were upset when i put ginger in the curry.  They loved that cat.

Greta Thunberg tells us that it's her generation who will decide the future of mankind. Unfortunately it's her generation who can't make up its mind if it's a boy,a girl,or a toaster.

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Lone Gunman (07-22-2022),wbslws (04-30-2020)

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## wbslws

paper routhe.jpg

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Lone Gunman (07-22-2022)

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## fortis

Future of the massage.

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Lone Gunman (07-22-2022)

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## Big Wheeler

1. A man drove down the street in a tractor shouting  "The end of the world is nigh."  I think it was Farmer Geddon.

2.ISIS suicide bomber kills himself and 78 relatives after deciding to work from home during the lockdown.

3.Congratulations to the coronavirus for being the first thing made in china to last longer than a month.

4.Although I'm dyslexic I read the karma sutra to improve the relationship with my wife.When i stopped my efforts for a few moments last night she asked me what was wrong.
I told her I was looking for her vinegar.

5.Man farts in bed and says 1-0 to me.
   Wife farts in bed and says 1 - 1.
   Man farts in bed and says 2 - 1 to me.
   Wife farts in bed and says 2 - 2.
   Man farts in bed and follows through.
   Woman says what the fuck was that.
   Man says half time.Change ends.

6. Has anyone let the Amish know what's going on yet?

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Lone Gunman (07-22-2022)

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## Ginger

lul_z_

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## Ginger



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Lone Gunman (07-22-2022),tlmjl (10-05-2020),wbslws (10-14-2020)

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## tlmjl

SUPER VIAGRA

Guy goes to his doctor, explains to the doctor he wants some super Viagra, because three of his girlfriends will be visiting him over the weekend. Doctor says O.K. and writes him a prescription. Monday morning the same guy is sitting in his doctor's office looking bedraggled, his arm in a sling. The doctor quickly calls him in to the exam room and asks him what happened. 
"None of them showed up"

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Lone Gunman (07-22-2022),wbslws (10-14-2020)

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## tlmjl

Major League Baseball fan dies...

A foul ball hit a cardboard cutout in the face. 

Three days later the cutout died at the hospital of covid 19.

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Dos Equis (11-02-2020),Lone Gunman (07-22-2022),wbslws (10-14-2020)

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## tlmjl

The Parrot...


Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller, Jesus."

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Call_me_Ishmael (07-21-2022),Canadianeye (12-02-2020),Dos Equis (11-02-2020),Hillofbeans (07-21-2022),Lone Gunman (07-22-2022),Oceander (10-14-2020),Rutabaga (10-14-2020)

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## Rutabaga

> The Parrot...
> 
> 
> Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller, Jesus."


 :Smiley ROFLMAO:

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tlmjl (10-14-2020)

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## QuaseMarco

end of world.png

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Dos Equis (07-24-2022),Lone Gunman (07-22-2022)

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## FirstGenCanadian

Q:  Why are women and children rescued first?

A:  So men can think of a solution in silence.

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Lone Gunman (07-22-2022)

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## Hillofbeans

> The Rules for Covid;
> 
> 1. Basically, you can't leave the house for any reason, but if you have to, then you can.
> 
> 2. Masks are useless, but maybe you have to wear one, it can save you, it is useless, but maybe it is mandatory as well.
> 
> 3. Stores are closed, except those that are open.
> 
> 4. You should not go to hospitals unless you have to go there. Same applies to doctors, you should only go there in case of emergency, provided you are not too sick.
> ...


I wonder how they got thw swab up the tigers nose

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Lone Gunman (07-22-2022)

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## wbslws

I found a recipe for Morrocan rolls online.
They looked good, so I figured I would make them. 
The recipe called for some fresh thyme, but mine was slightly expired. I figured it would still be good because it was only one week expired. 
It was good, so I figured I would get some fresh thyme the next time I was at the store. 
I made it with the new thyme. Come to think of it, I still like that old thyme Morrocan Roll.

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Call_me_Ishmael (07-23-2022)

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