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Thread: Jokes

  1. #331
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    Birthday gift....

    On his 74th birthday, my next-door neighbor got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on an Indian reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

    The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say ‘1-2-3’. When you do, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.”

    The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?”

    “Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4’”, the medicine man responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon”.

    The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

    His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked “What was the 1-2-3 for?”

    And that, boys & girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition… because we could end up with a dangling participle.
    What is common knowledge to some is a revelation to others...
    For the sake of his sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and the whole world

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  3. #332
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    When you open your heart to patriotism, there's no room for racism. ~Donald J. Trump
    Rule # 3 - Never believe what you're told, double check.
    I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself. ~D. H. Lawrence
    Quote Originally Posted by RGV View Post
    This is America. When you make an accusation, like you have, the burden of proof is on you.
    Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, all the other genders are from Uranus.

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  5. #333
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    On his 74th birthday, my next-door neighbor got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on an Indian reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

    The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, “This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say ‘1-2-3’. When you do, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.”

    The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?”

    “Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4’”, the medicine man responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon”.

    The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

    His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked “What was the 1-2-3 for?”
    1 Samuel 8:18 "And they shall cry out in that day because of your king which you have chosen, and the Lord will not hear you in that day."

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  7. #334
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    A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
    'Talking Dog For Sale '
    He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
    I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.
    In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
    'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...
    But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
    'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back to the house and asks the owner what he wants for the dog
    'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
    'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
    'Because he's a Bull$#itter. He's never been out of the yard. . . . .
    1 Samuel 8:18 "And they shall cry out in that day because of your king which you have chosen, and the Lord will not hear you in that day."

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  9. #335
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    Two of my neighbors came over to tell me they had some news.
    I said, "Well, give it to me straight".

    They asked me if I wanted the bad news or the good news first. I said, "give me the bad news first".

    Vieux T-Merde then told me they found my neighbor's wife floatin' face down in da by-you.
    I said, "Mai's oh no, c'est pas Bon, avec la grimace".

    I asked, "Mai's whus da good news"?
    T-merde il a dit ca (said that) , "Hawk, we caught 2 dozen blue crabs off of her. We gunna run her again, tomorrow".

    @Madison @MrMike @Rickity Plumber @Kris P Bacon
    Last edited by HawkTheSlayer; 05-18-2019 at 11:39 AM.
    Today we live. Tomorrow we die.
    "Evil is da Devil minus da D"

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  11. #336
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    Quote Originally Posted by HawkTheSlayer View Post
    Two of my neighbors came over to tell me they had some news.
    I said, "Well, give it to me straight".

    They asked me if I wanted the bad news or the good news first. I said, "give me the bad news first".

    Vieux T-Merde then told me they found my neighbor's wife floatin' face down in da by-you.
    I said, "Mai's oh no, c'est pas Bon, avec la grimace".

    I asked, "Mai's whus da good news"?
    T-merde il a dit ca (said that) , "Hawk, we caught 2 dozen blue crabs off of her. We gunna run her again, tomorrow".

    @Madison @MrMike
    We can judge the heart of a nation by his treatment of animals.

    "One slice of bacon a day keep the Muslims away, add pork juice in Hallal food"

    "The're friends who will offer advice and wisdom. They're are cowgirls who come blasting through your door with whiskey, weapons, a shovel, and a plan! "

    NEW PRESIDENT OF UNITED STATES OF AMERICA AND OF CANADA*DONALD J. TRUMP

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  13. #337
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    Quote Originally Posted by HawkTheSlayer View Post
    Two of my neighbors came over to tell me they had some news.
    I said, "Well, give it to me straight".

    They asked me if I wanted the bad news or the good news first. I said, "give me the bad news first".

    Vieux T-Merde then told me they found my neighbor's wife floatin' face down in da by-you.
    I said, "Mai's oh no, c'est pas Bon, avec la grimace".

    I asked, "Mai's whus da good news"?
    T-merde il a dit ca (said that) , "Hawk, we caught 2 dozen blue crabs off of her. We gunna run her again, tomorrow".

    @Madison @MrMike @Rickity Plumber @Kris P Bacon
    Better than a chicken neck on a string!



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  15. #338
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    A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

    Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

    To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

    Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

    Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
    Today we live. Tomorrow we die.
    "Evil is da Devil minus da D"

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  17. #339
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    Once Upon a Time in a small Forest....

    Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived a blind little bunny and a blind little snake.One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit."Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, I don't even know what I am."

    "It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

    "Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny.""Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."

    So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a politician, an attorney, or possibly someone in upper management.
    What is common knowledge to some is a revelation to others...
    For the sake of his sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and the whole world

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  19. #340
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    Rules for the male side....

    You probably have seen these before, but they are still priceless!
    We always hear "the rules" from the female side.


    Now here are the rules from the male side.
    These are our rules!
    Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!


    1. Men ARE not mind readers.

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
    1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be...
    1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
    1. Crying is blackmail.
    1. Ask for what you want.
    Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

    1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
    1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
    1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days..
    1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are...Don't ask us.
    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
    1. You can either ask us to do something. or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
    yourself.
    1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
    1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
    1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
    1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear .
    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.
    1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
    1. You have enough clothes.
    1. You have too many shoes.
    1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
    1. Thank you for reading this.
    Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


    But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

    Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
    Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.
    Last edited by drifter106; 05-24-2019 at 07:09 PM.
    What is common knowledge to some is a revelation to others...
    For the sake of his sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and the whole world

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