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Thread: Jokes

  1. #1
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    Dos Equis's Avatar
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    Jokes

    So Adam and God were talking in the garden.

    God: "What's wrong Adam?"

    Adam: I'm feeling kinda lonely and down"

    God: "How about a companion? I could make you a companion that would wait on you, and clean up after you, and do anything your hearts desire"

    Adam: "Ok, how much would it cost me?"

    God: "It will probably cost you an arm and a leg"

    Adam: "Na, the price is too steep, what would you give me for just a rib?"
    1 Samuel 8:18 "And they shall cry out in that day because of your king which you have chosen, and the Lord will not hear you in that day."

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    After sex last night, my new girlfriend snuggled up next to me and said, "You know, you are by far the biggest I've ever had".

    Apparently "Ditto" is not the right response.
    Today we live. Tomorrow we die.
    "Evil is da Devil minus da D"

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    It annoys me that Engineering students call themselves engineers.

    You don’t hear medical students calling themselves doctors, or art students calling themselves unemployed.
    Today we live. Tomorrow we die.
    "Evil is da Devil minus da D"

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    A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

    A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."
    Today we live. Tomorrow we die.
    "Evil is da Devil minus da D"

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    So the other day we were out in the middle on nowhere on the jobsite. Needed to burn some brush. No one had any matches or a lighter. As luck would have it we were all able to breathe a sigh of relief when one of the guys whipped out his Samsung Note-7.

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    Do you know the difference between in-laws and out-laws?

    Out-laws are wanted
    1 Samuel 8:18 "And they shall cry out in that day because of your king which you have chosen, and the Lord will not hear you in that day."

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  13. #7
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    An Irishman left his usual job working on building sites, he was 6ft 4" a huge man, he applied to an advert in the paper that needed a bouncer on the door of a well known city pub. The Owner looked him over and said "well you look big enough for the job, it's yours if you want it?"
    The weeks went by, nothing unusual, not surprisingly there was never any trouble from the rowdy late drinkers either, but, one night as he went across the street to buy some smokes an escaped gorilla dashes into the pub, it was mayhem, the drinkers were cowered under the tables, the gorilla was smashing the pub apart.
    Across the street as he walked nearer the bar he heard the commotion, he races into the pub and starts to fight the gorilla, they fight from one end to the next, the gorilla head butts him through the bathroom door and they fight inside it.......a little while later it all goes quiet, out steps the Irishman, blood all over him....he steps over the broken chairs and tables and calmly says "everything is alright now folks, i don't know who he thought he was, but give a nigger a fur coat and he thinks he owns the place!"
    A gentleman never insults unintentionally.

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    I hope this thread continues. Good jokes have been scarce lately.

    Didn't like the last one much however.
    "You can get a lot further with a kind word and a gun
    Then you can get with just a kind word"

    "Al Capone"

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    One Sunday at my church the preacher stood up and said "anyone with a special need come forward and I will pray for your special need". Well Leroy comes up to the altar and the preacher says, "Leroy, what is your special need" and Leroy says "Preacher, I need help with my hearing" And the preacher says, ok Leroy, lets pray for your hearing. And he starts praying. And he prayed and prayed and got louder and louder and the congregation joined in and started praying for Leroy' hearing. After about 30 minutes of praying the preacher said "Well Leroy, did that help with your hearing?" And Leroy replied "I don't know Preacher, my hearing ain't until Friday"
    "You can get a lot further with a kind word and a gun
    Then you can get with just a kind word"

    "Al Capone"

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    Quote Originally Posted by Dr. Felix Birdbiter View Post
    One Sunday at my church the preacher stood up and said "anyone with a special need come forward and I will pray for your special need". Well Leroy comes up to the altar and the preacher says, "Leroy, what is your special need" and Leroy says "Preacher, I need help with my hearing" And the preacher says, ok Leroy, lets pray for your hearing. And he starts praying. And he prayed and prayed and got louder and louder and the congregation joined in and started praying for Leroy' hearing. After about 30 minutes of praying the preacher said "Well Leroy, did that help with your hearing?" And Leroy replied "I don't know Preacher, my hearing ain't until Friday"
    AJ Smith does a good version of that one.
    Here's some Cajun humor that gets really funny as it goes on.
    The health club and sucking ducks out of the sky always make me laugh.

    Today we live. Tomorrow we die.
    "Evil is da Devil minus da D"

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