User Tag List

Page 35 of 35 FirstFirst ... 252829303132333435
Results 341 to 344 of 344

Thread: Jokes

  1. #341
    Senior Member Achievements:
    Social50000 Experience PointsCreated Blog entry3 months registered
    Overall activity: 52.0%

    jirqoadai's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Location
    TEXAS
    Posts
    2,525
    Thanks
    1,843
    Thanked: 1,390
    Blog Entries
    2
    Rep Power
    2268819
    2. you wanna know why your tits itch when you wear that one particular bra?
    no you dont

  2. #342
    Administrator V.I.P
    TPF Moderator
    Achievements:
    SocialTagger First ClassOverdrive50000 Experience PointsRecommendation First ClassVeteran
    Overall activity: 99.8%

    Calypso Jones's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Posts
    68,320
    Thanks
    5,521
    Thanked: 67,266
    Rep Power
    21474911
    Quote Originally Posted by drifter106 View Post
    You probably have seen these before, but they are still priceless!
    We always hear "the rules" from the female side.


    Now here are the rules from the male side.
    These are our rules!
    Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!


    1. Men ARE not mind readers.

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
    1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be...
    1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
    1. Crying is blackmail.
    1. Ask for what you want.
    Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

    1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
    1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
    1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days..
    1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are...Don't ask us.
    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
    1. You can either ask us to do something. or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
    yourself.
    1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
    1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
    1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
    1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear .
    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.
    1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
    1. You have enough clothes.
    1. You have too many shoes.
    1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
    1. Thank you for reading this.
    Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


    But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

    Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
    Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.
    . I could have used thi.s way earlier rather than having to learn it on my own
    Sarah Sanders doesn't often mop the White House Press Corp Floor...but when she does, she uses Jim Acosta.

    There is no American free press. They're bought and paid for.

    “Muslim brotherhood & planet of the apes had a baby=vj.”

    The Devil whispered in Trumps ear and said,
    "you're not strong enough to withstand the storm".
    President Trump whispered back,"I am The Storm"!

  3. The Following User Says Thank You to Calypso Jones For This Useful Post:

    drifter106 (Today)

  4. #343
    Senior Member Achievements:
    50000 Experience Points3 months registered
    Overall activity: 11.0%

    drifter106's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Location
    s.e. ks
    Posts
    201
    Thanks
    272
    Thanked: 309
    Rep Power
    1288496
    Quote Originally Posted by Calypso Jones View Post
    . I could have used thi.s way earlier rather than having to learn it on my own
    understand where you are coming from!
    What is common knowledge to some is a revelation to others...
    For the sake of his sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and the whole world

  5. #344
    Senior Member Achievements:
    50000 Experience Points3 months registered
    Overall activity: 11.0%

    drifter106's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Location
    s.e. ks
    Posts
    201
    Thanks
    272
    Thanked: 309
    Rep Power
    1288496
    A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy,

    "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

    The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,

    "Sure, Why not?"

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

    Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

    He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

    Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,

    "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

    "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

    He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

    Then the cowboy says to the young man,

    "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,

    "Okay, why not?"

    You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

    "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

    "No guessing required." answered the cowboy.

    "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...

    Now give me back my dog."
    What is common knowledge to some is a revelation to others...
    For the sake of his sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and the whole world

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 4 users browsing this thread. (1 members and 3 guests)

  1. Ill-informed

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •