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Thread: Jokes

  1. #21
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    What's the difference between Hillary and a flying pig. the letter F

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  3. #22
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    The last thing my friend Christy was prepared for was an invitation to a costume party. Eight and a half months pregnant, she was in no shape for any conventional costume.

    Still, she wanted to go, so she painted a big yellow circle on an extra-extra-large white T-shirt, dug a pair of red devil horns out of her kids' Halloween junk pile...and went as a deviled egg.
    Today we live. Tomorrow we die.
    "Evil is da Devil minus da D"

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  5. #23
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    This isn't a joke, but it's true ...

    I won a Halloween costume contest ($100 Outback gift certificate) a few years ago. I went as a barrel of toxic waste ... in a real barrel.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Hairball View Post
    This isn't a joke, but it's true ...

    I won a Halloween costume contest ($100 Outback gift certificate) a few years ago. I went as a barrel of toxic waste ... in a real barrel.
    One time in college, I went as a Christmas tree complete with lights and all. My head was the star. It was a hit but my cord was short and I had to spend all night standing near a receptacle. People had to fix me drinks and bring them to me.

    Then I got to thinking, what if one of these drunk fools trips and spills his drink on me? I'll be electricuted and they might think it was part of the act.
    So I took it off and let someone else wear it.
    Last edited by HawkTheSlayer; 11-08-2016 at 11:26 AM.
    Today we live. Tomorrow we die.
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    Quote Originally Posted by HawkTheSlayer View Post
    One time in college, I went as a Christmas tree complete with lights and all. My head was the star. It was a hit but my cord was short and I had to spend all night standing near a receptacle. People had to fix me drinks and bring them to me.

    Then I got to thinking, what if one of these drunk fools trips and spills his drink on me? I'll be electricuted and they might think it was part of the act.
    So I took it off and let someone else wear it.
    LOL! Imagine that on a resume!

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    There once was a man from Boston
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    He had room for his ass
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    but his balls hung out and he lost em
    "You can get a lot further with a kind word and a gun
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    I belong to a country club which has a very wealthy 72 year old member. One day he came into the restaurant with a very stunning 20 something blonde on his arm. Of course all the men were instantly jealous. Pete, one member finally asked, how did you get that beautiful woman as your mistress? Pete replied, oh, she isn't my mistress, we were married last week. My God man, how did you get her to marry you the member asked. Well, Pete said I had to change my age by 20 years. Oh, the member said, you told her you were 52? No, said Pete, I told her I was 92.
    "You can get a lot further with a kind word and a gun
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    "Al Capone"

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    One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared. "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. The man was ecstatic. "But there's a catch," the Genie continued.

    "What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously. The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for."

    "Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.

    "What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.

    "Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!" POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.

    "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," said the Genie. "What is your next wish?"

    "I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

    "Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man.

    "Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man.

    "And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie.

    The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...."
    Today we live. Tomorrow we die.
    "Evil is da Devil minus da D"

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  16. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ill-informed View Post
    A giraffe walk into a bar and says "the high balls are on me."
    A horse walked into a bar and the bartender asks it, "Why the long face?"

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    I skate and there is a creepy skate park were me and my friends rarely skate because it is so wet & gross it thrashed our skateboards so we have this joke we share that goes like this meet me at the meremaid hole so we can sink & polar bears can eat us and our boards cause we have nothing to do with our free time.
    Last edited by PaganAnarchy; 06-29-2017 at 09:41 PM.
    May the sun guide you in the day and the moon guide you in the night.

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