User Tag List

Page 36 of 39 FirstFirst ... 262930313233343536373839 LastLast
Results 351 to 360 of 388

Thread: Jokes

  1. #351
    Alumni Member and VIP Forum Donor
    V.I.P
    Achievements:
    50000 Experience PointsSocialOverdriveTagger First ClassCreated Blog entryVeteranRecommendation First Class
    Overall activity: 95.0%

    HawkTheSlayer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Location
    Acadiana
    Posts
    36,713
    Thanks
    88,827
    Thanked: 53,603
    Rep Power
    21474877
    Quote Originally Posted by Dos Equis View Post
    Little Akio in History Class..................

    The teacher said...Let's begin by reviewing some history. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death!'?
    She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

    "Very good! "Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth!'?"
    Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

    "Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bit more difficult.
    "Who said, 'Ask not what your Country can do for you, but what you can do for your Country'?"
    Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961.


    "The teacher snapped at her class! "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."

    She hears a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs."
    "Who said that? I want to know right now," she angrily demanded.
    Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945"

    At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
    The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"
    Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

    Now furious, the same student yells, "Suck this!" Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher. "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

    The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, *"Damn, we’re screwed."
    Little Akio said quietly, "Chuck Schumer when Trump got elected in 2016."
    Best one I've heard in a while.
    Today we live. Tomorrow we die.
    "Evil is da Devil minus da D"

  2. #352
    V.I.P. V.I.P Achievements:
    Your first GroupSocial50000 Experience PointsVeteran
    Overall activity: 0%

    Dos Equis's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Posts
    8,266
    Thanks
    1,377
    Thanked: 5,854
    Rep Power
    21474851
    Proof God is a conservative

    Ecclesiastes 10:2 The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left.
    1 Samuel 8:18 "And they shall cry out in that day because of your king which you have chosen, and the Lord will not hear you in that day."

  3. The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Dos Equis For This Useful Post:

    drifter106 (10-05-2019),Hillofbeans (07-04-2019),Lone Gunman (08-12-2019),Northern Rivers (06-23-2019),Rutabaga (07-05-2019)

  4. #353
    Alumni Member and VIP Forum Donor
    V.I.P
    Achievements:
    50000 Experience PointsSocialOverdriveTagger First ClassCreated Blog entryVeteranRecommendation First Class
    Overall activity: 95.0%

    HawkTheSlayer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Location
    Acadiana
    Posts
    36,713
    Thanks
    88,827
    Thanked: 53,603
    Rep Power
    21474877
    A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?" "Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!" "Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!" "Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"
    Today we live. Tomorrow we die.
    "Evil is da Devil minus da D"

  5. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to HawkTheSlayer For This Useful Post:

    drifter106 (07-04-2019),Lone Gunman (08-12-2019),Rutabaga (07-05-2019)

  6. #354
    Senior Member Achievements:
    50000 Experience Points3 months registeredSocial
    Overall activity: 5.0%

    drifter106's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Location
    s.e. ks
    Posts
    494
    Thanks
    822
    Thanked: 809
    Rep Power
    2791742
    Ex president goes to Heaven....


    Having arrived at the gates of Heaven, Barack Hussein

    Obama meets a man with a beard. “Are you Mohammed?” he asks.
    “No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up.” Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
    Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, “Are you Mohammed?”
    “Why no,” he answers, “I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still.”
    Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again. He discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, “Are you Mohammed?
    “No, I am Jesus, the Christ; you will find Mohammed higher up.”
    Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher. Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question: “Are you Mohammed?” he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. “No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?”
    Obama says, “Yes please!”
    As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out: "Yo, Mohammed, two coffees!"
    What is common knowledge to some is a revelation to others...
    For the sake of his sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and the whole world

  7. The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to drifter106 For This Useful Post:

    Dos Equis (08-14-2019),FirstGenCanadian (08-12-2019),HawkTheSlayer (07-04-2019),Lone Gunman (08-12-2019),Rutabaga (07-05-2019)

  8. #355
    Senior Member Achievements:
    50000 Experience Points3 months registeredSocial
    Overall activity: 5.0%

    drifter106's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Location
    s.e. ks
    Posts
    494
    Thanks
    822
    Thanked: 809
    Rep Power
    2791742
    Knock-Knock


    A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

    When the offering was processed at the next worship service, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10' Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'
    What is common knowledge to some is a revelation to others...
    For the sake of his sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and the whole world

  9. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to drifter106 For This Useful Post:

    FirstGenCanadian (08-12-2019),HawkTheSlayer (07-05-2019),Lone Gunman (08-12-2019),Rutabaga (07-05-2019)

  10. #356
    Alumni Member & VIP Forum Donor
    V.I.P
    Achievements:
    50000 Experience PointsSocialRecommendation Second ClassVeteranTagger First Class
    Overall activity: 13.0%

    Rutabaga's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2014
    Posts
    35,468
    Thanks
    77,426
    Thanked: 45,402
    Rep Power
    21474877
    Quote Originally Posted by drifter106 View Post
    Knock-Knock


    A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

    When the offering was processed at the next worship service, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10' Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'
    "The nose, knows"

    @Auntifa,,,when the shooting starts, don't run, you'll only die tired...

    #walkaway

  11. #357
    Alumni Member & VIP Forum Donor
    V.I.P
    Achievements:
    50000 Experience PointsSocialRecommendation Second ClassVeteranTagger First Class
    Overall activity: 13.0%

    Rutabaga's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2014
    Posts
    35,468
    Thanks
    77,426
    Thanked: 45,402
    Rep Power
    21474877
    Quote Originally Posted by drifter106 View Post
    Ex president goes to Heaven....


    Having arrived at the gates of Heaven, Barack Hussein

    Obama meets a man with a beard. “Are you Mohammed?” he asks.
    “No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up.” Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
    Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, “Are you Mohammed?”
    “Why no,” he answers, “I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still.”
    Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again. He discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, “Are you Mohammed?
    “No, I am Jesus, the Christ; you will find Mohammed higher up.”
    Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher. Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question: “Are you Mohammed?” he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. “No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?”
    Obama says, “Yes please!”
    As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out: "Yo, Mohammed, two coffees!"
    "The nose, knows"

    @Auntifa,,,when the shooting starts, don't run, you'll only die tired...

    #walkaway

  12. #358
    Alumni Member & VIP Forum Donor
    V.I.P
    Achievements:
    50000 Experience PointsSocialRecommendation Second ClassVeteranTagger First Class
    Overall activity: 13.0%

    Rutabaga's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2014
    Posts
    35,468
    Thanks
    77,426
    Thanked: 45,402
    Rep Power
    21474877
    Quote Originally Posted by Dos Equis View Post
    Little Akio in History Class..................

    The teacher said...Let's begin by reviewing some history. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death!'?
    She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

    "Very good! "Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth!'?"
    Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

    "Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bit more difficult.
    "Who said, 'Ask not what your Country can do for you, but what you can do for your Country'?"
    Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961.


    "The teacher snapped at her class! "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."

    She hears a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs."
    "Who said that? I want to know right now," she angrily demanded.
    Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945"

    At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
    The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"
    Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

    Now furious, the same student yells, "Suck this!" Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher. "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

    The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, *"Damn, we’re screwed."
    Little Akio said quietly, "Chuck Schumer when Trump got elected in 2016."
    "The nose, knows"

    @Auntifa,,,when the shooting starts, don't run, you'll only die tired...

    #walkaway

  13. #359
    Banned Achievements:
    50000 Experience PointsSocialTagger First ClassCreated Album picturesVeteranCreated Blog entry
    Overall activity: 39.0%

    Crunch's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    23,767
    Thanks
    5,276
    Thanked: 27,753
    Rep Power
    0
    Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.
    One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Captain was calm.
    He bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
    The First Mate quickly got the Captain's red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated.
    Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on!
    The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.
    Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked at the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"
    The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man.
    As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.
    The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants!!!'

  14. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Crunch For This Useful Post:

    drifter106 (10-05-2019),FirstGenCanadian (08-12-2019),Lone Gunman (08-12-2019)

  15. #360
    Alumni Member and VIP Forum Donor
    V.I.P
    Achievements:
    50000 Experience PointsSocialOverdriveTagger First ClassCreated Blog entryVeteranRecommendation First Class
    Overall activity: 95.0%

    HawkTheSlayer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Location
    Acadiana
    Posts
    36,713
    Thanks
    88,827
    Thanked: 53,603
    Rep Power
    21474877
    An 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry. The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied that there were six. The judge said, "Then I will give you six days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband stood up, and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?"The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."


    Today we live. Tomorrow we die.
    "Evil is da Devil minus da D"

  16. The Following User Says Thank You to HawkTheSlayer For This Useful Post:

    Lone Gunman (08-12-2019)

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •