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Thread: Jokes

  1. #11
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    One day a chicken and a horse are crossing a field when suddenly the horse falls in a mud hole and can't get out. The chicken says "hold on, I just bought a new Harley, let me go get it and I can pull you out". So that chicken runs home, gets his Harley and comes back and pulls that horse right out of that mudhole. Well, a few days later the chicken and horse are walking in another field and this time the chicken falls in the mud hole and can't get out. Wait a minute says the horse and he straddles the mudhole and the chicken reaches up and grabs his dingus and the horse pulls him right out.

    The moral of that story is if you are hung like a horse you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks.
    "You can get a lot further with a kind word and a gun
    Then you can get with just a kind word"

    "Al Capone"

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  3. #12
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    Orville and his best friend Clyde were always out hunting and fishing together. One day Orville says to Clyde, "hey Clyde, if I snuck over to your house one day while you were out fishing an made love to your wife and she had a child would we be kin?" To which Clyde replied "No Orville, but we would be even"
    "You can get a lot further with a kind word and a gun
    Then you can get with just a kind word"

    "Al Capone"

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  5. #13
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    A friend of mine was a philosophy major during his first semester in college. One day in a seminar class, they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty. After the class, my friend was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university, so when he went home, he tried to continue the discussion with his family.

    With maximum drama, he took a 12 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table. He proudly asked his family, "Can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty." Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, "Depends if you're drinking or pouring."
    Today we live. Tomorrow we die.
    "Evil is da Devil minus da D"

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  7. #14
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    The Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and this new product will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a
    power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.


    It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning
    to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name: MOUNT & DO.







    Last edited by Dr. Felix Birdbiter; 10-21-2016 at 07:55 AM.
    "You can get a lot further with a kind word and a gun
    Then you can get with just a kind word"

    "Al Capone"

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  9. #15
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    Quotes from Insurance Forms:

    "The car in front hit the pedestrian, but he got up so I hit him again."

    "In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

    "I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

    "I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

    "I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight."

    "I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
    Today we live. Tomorrow we die.
    "Evil is da Devil minus da D"

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  11. #16
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    A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the barman what they are for. The barman replies, “If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar $100. Do you want to have a go?”

    The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, “Nah, the steaks are too high!”
    Today we live. Tomorrow we die.
    "Evil is da Devil minus da D"

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    A giraffe walk into a bar and says "the high balls are on me."

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    The college teacher noticed that his exchange student, André, suddenly had started attracting a lot of female attention.

    So, one day he asks André about his secret. André replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

    Later that day, the college teacher gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his pecker against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:
    "Is that you, André?".
    Today we live. Tomorrow we die.
    "Evil is da Devil minus da D"

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  17. #19
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    Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.


    Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.


    A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.


    Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.


    For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.


    Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.


    Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.


    Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.


    Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.


    We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.


    For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.


    Great Dames for sale.


    Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.


    Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.


    Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.


    Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.


    The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.


    Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.


    Stock up and save. Limit: one.


    We build bodies that last a lifetime.


    For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.


    Man, honest. Will take anything.


    Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.


    UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
    When you open your heart to patriotism, there's no room for racism. ~Donald J. Trump
    Rule # 3 - Never believe what you're told, double check.
    I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself. ~D. H. Lawrence
    Quote Originally Posted by RGV View Post
    This is America. When you make an accusation, like you have, the burden of proof is on you.
    Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, all the other genders are from Uranus.

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  19. #20
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    There once was a congressman named Weiner,
    Who had a perverted demeanor.
    He was forced from the hill, for acting like Bill.
    Now Congress is one Weiner leaner.
    Last edited by Big Bird; 11-07-2016 at 02:12 PM.
    “About abortion, I don’t want to make it illegal, I want to make it unthinkable." - Frank Stephens



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