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Thread: Jokes

  1. #241
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    Hard to believe that Texas followed New York!!!!

    It's hard to believe, but Texas has followed that idiot newspaper up in New York, and released a map of the location of all gun owners.

    Their locations are marked by
    red dots
    IMG_20190102_071714.jpg


    Last edited by OverDrive; 01-02-2019 at 08:22 AM.


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  3. #242
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    The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped."

    "Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?"

    "Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue Service."
    Today we live. Tomorrow we die.
    "Evil is da Devil minus da D"

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  5. #243
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    Q: If there’s H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what’s on the outside?


    answer: K9P


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  7. #244
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    Northern Rivers's Avatar
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    Still my favourite:

    If Jesus had a telephone, Leonardo would have painted "The Last Pizza".
    If you don't practice...you'll sound like it. And, if you don't tune, your life will sound like it, too. Listen to the intervals. That's where it all hides from you.....

  8. #245
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    A man is lying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon.

    The father says, "Son, think of it this way: If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."
    Today we live. Tomorrow we die.
    "Evil is da Devil minus da D"

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  10. #246
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    A woman tells her doctor that she's worried about her husband losing his temper.

    The Doctor: "What's the problem?
    The Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
    Doc: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”

    Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

    TW: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
    Doc: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".
    " It takes very little to govern good people. Very little. And bad people cant be governed at all. "
    ― Cormac McCarthy “No Country for Old Men” (2005)

    "The two most important days of your life are the day you were born, and the day you find out why."
    -Mark Twain.



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  12. #247
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    A cop calls the station house and says, "You won't believe this, but an old lady just shot her husband for walking on the kitchen floor she just mopped".

    The dispatcher said, "Did you arrest her?"

    Cop says, "Hell no, the floor's still wet".
    " It takes very little to govern good people. Very little. And bad people cant be governed at all. "
    ― Cormac McCarthy “No Country for Old Men” (2005)

    "The two most important days of your life are the day you were born, and the day you find out why."
    -Mark Twain.



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  14. #248
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    A few minutes before the church service started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and chatting among friends.

    Suddenly, in a flash of light, Satan appeared in front of the congregation!

    Everyone started screaming and running for the exits, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.

    Soon the church was empty except for one elderly cowboy who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.


    So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

    The old cowboy replied, 'Yep, sure do.'


    'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.


    'Nope, sure ain't.' said the cowboy.

    Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

    'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.


    'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.


    'Yep,' was the calm reply


    'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.


    'Nope,' said the old cowboy.


    More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'


    The old cowboy calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

    " It takes very little to govern good people. Very little. And bad people cant be governed at all. "
    ― Cormac McCarthy “No Country for Old Men” (2005)

    "The two most important days of your life are the day you were born, and the day you find out why."
    -Mark Twain.



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  16. #249
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    Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike.
    Hospital officials say they will find out what the doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!
    Today we live. Tomorrow we die.
    "Evil is da Devil minus da D"

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  18. #250
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    My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

    Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt. Do you think I should change dentists?

    At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa.
    " It takes very little to govern good people. Very little. And bad people cant be governed at all. "
    ― Cormac McCarthy “No Country for Old Men” (2005)

    "The two most important days of your life are the day you were born, and the day you find out why."
    -Mark Twain.



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